Rebekah Watkiss thought she would not be able to get through the emotional and physical pain of losing her firstborn, but she says, ‘I discovered God’s grace was truly sufficient in each and every moment.’
When I fell pregnant with my son last summer, I never thought that it would end in tragedy and make me a member of the ‘baby loss club’. And yet, when my husband and I went to the hospital for my first dating scan, we were given the unexpected and devastating news that our darling baby had a fatal neural tube defect.
We knew that we wanted to continue with the pregnancy, and that God wanted us to love and cherish our son, for as long or as little time as we had with him. JJ was stillborn on his due date, 12 April 2024. There are no words to describe the depth of loss when you lose a child, or the heights of fear for the future when you lose your firstborn.
There are no words to describe the depth of loss when you lose a child
A Bible verse we were given very early on after JJ’s diagnosis, was 2 Corinthians 12:9. ‘But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”’ I have never found these words to be so true and tangible as now along this journey.
If you would have told me before I fell pregnant all the emotional and physical pain I had to go through along this journey, I would have said, ‘No way, I can’t do this!’ The truth is, I found I could, because I discovered God’s grace was truly sufficient in each and every moment.
I have found the key to clinging to the hope God gave me through this dark time has been communicating daily with Jesus, being open and authentic about all of my feelings, especially the negative ones, and worshipping him for who he is, not for what I can get from him. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21.)
Have I been angry with God? Yes. Have I been disappointed? Yes. Are there times of overwhelming sadness and weeping? Yes.
Have I been angry with God? Yes. Have I been disappointed? Yes. Are there times of overwhelming sadness and weeping? Yes. And it’s OK to have those moments, and to cry and scream out to God. I have many times, and in the dark moments when I felt that God didn’t understand how I felt (and I told him so!), I felt him gently say to me, ‘But I do know. I lost my Son, too. Look at what Jesus suffered to give you hope.’ I realised in that moment that God knew exactly how I felt.
As my gaze shifts from focusing on my wants and desires to Jesus and who he is, the anger and disappointment with him supernaturally melts away. God doesn’t promise us a cushy life. In fact, Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). This beautiful hope has been my lifeline, and I came to realise that although JJ didn’t receive the miracle healing on earth that I asked for, he did receive the ultimate healing and the best outcome for him. He is now in the presence of his Saviour, and will never know pain, suffering or sin. You can’t get any better than that!
Read more on baby loss
We know that suffering and death now is a result of the sinful world we live in, but that’s not the end of the story! Through this difficult journey, the Lord has been teaching me about living with an eternal perspective. One of the most beautiful things we were able to carry throughout these difficult times, and which was the main focus of JJ’s funeral, was Hope. It is because of Jesus and what he accomplished at the Cross that we had a deep sense of peace and hope that although we wouldn’t be able to keep our son here with us on earth, one day, we will see him again and worship Jesus all together for eternity, where there will be no more pain, no more death and no more tears. And that’s why I didn’t have to say ‘Goodbye’ to my son, and only ‘Goodnight.’
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
No comments yet