Women naturally understand about menopause, and men don’t need to…right?

As I go into businesses and organisations to talk about menopause and its frequently hidden impact, I’ve often observed two common assumptions: women naturally understand about peri/menopause, and men don’t need to. They’re not unreasonable assumptions given that women have had to deal with hormones, periods and PMS all their lives and may also have gone through pregnancy, so surely this next stage must be something they’re aware of and familiar with, right? And why would men need to know about it since they won’t experience it…or will they?*

What our stories reveal

I was around 44 when I started noticing changes. It started with an inability to regulate my body temperature. I felt constantly hot, bothered and sweaty! Drying my hair became something I dreaded because I got so hot and couldn’t cool down afterwards. I didn’t get the classic hot flushes, but this inability to regulate my body temperature did cause me discomfort. At the time I worked in a newly built school which prided itself on its intelligent ‘air balancing system’. It never worked, and I frequently struggled.

More concerning to me was the unwelcome arrival of anxiety, low mood and irritability. I’d wake up each morning with a knot in my stomach, unsure what I was anxious about. I’d lost my joie de vivre and felt my emotions had flatlined. The irritability was intense, particularly directed at my lovely husband. I honestly wondered if our marriage of 25 years had run its course. 

When these symptoms, as I now know them to be, struck me, I had no idea what was going on. I wondered if I needed anti-depressants to help with the low mood and anxiety, having never needed them before. I was in a funk and didn’t know what to do or where to turn for help. 

Nikky is a bright and bubbly woman with a real zest for life. Nikky is a teacher. She loved her job and was great at it. One day, in her late 30s, she began experiencing heightened anxiety and destabilising feelings about her ability to do her job well. Over a period of a few months her mental health worsened. Her anxiety became so overwhelming that she simply walked out of the classroom and couldn’t go back in. She ended up having

a breakdown. 

This came out of the blue. 

Nikky quit her job, the job she loved, as she felt she just couldn’t do it anymore and had no explanation for why she no longer felt capable of it.

I use Nikky’s story as part of the training I do for organisations, to highlight the risks of ignorance and assumption. In one of these sessions, a staff member raised his hand then expressed that he was genuinely blown away by the fact that Nikky had no idea what was happening to her. His assumption was that women understood this stuff! It was a light bulb moment as he realised the importance of not making that assumption. He could see the importance of everyone understanding menopause, if not for themselves, then for the sake of others and our organisations. 

The impact of assumptions

Assumptions, when unchallenged, increase ignorance and multiply misunderstandings. The assumption that women know and understand what’s happening to them – really? That it’s ‘nothing to do with me’ because I’ll never go through it? That women should just get on with it because generations before us have and that it’s just about hot flushes and nothing else? All these assumptions, as Nikky’s story illustrates, are fraught with danger. Her school lost a talented teacher. Her husband lost his wife for a while. For me, the impact could have been far worse had I not fallen into an unintentional conversation with a nurse at my GP surgery while there for something unrelated.

Challenging assumptions

If you’re a woman wondering what’s going on, don’t ignore yourself! Please don’t just assume you’ve got to put up and shut up. Take the time to understand peri/menopause, join What the Fog? Facebook group, talk to your partner and friends, get in touch with me, keep an eye on your symptoms and speak to your GP about how to manage them. 

If you’re a leader, please don’t make assumptions or remain ignorant about perimenopause and menopause. Increase your understanding and awareness through education, listening, asking questions and taking an interest. Don’t be afraid! Psychological safety is a key component to building a healthy, happy team. Without proactive support from leaders, we risk losing brilliant women from our teams. One in ten women today leave the workforce due to symptoms and many would never dream of talking about peri/menopause at work even if they do realise what’s going on. Nikky’s story might appear extreme but it’s more common than we realise. 

The irritability was intense, particularly directed at my lovely husband. I honestly wondered if our marriage of 25 years had run its course

Paul challenges us in Colossians 3:12: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Navigating peri/menopause with self-compassion, kindness, gentleness, and patience is essential for a healthier and more holistic journey. For those supporting individuals going through perimenopause, embracing these qualities is key to enhancing the overall experience and fostering understanding and empathy. 

As the guy in the training session I mentioned earlier realised: “Ignorance is brought about by assumption” (TD Jakes). Far better that we all have the compassion to engage, understand, learn, listen and empathise so we can end the ignorance, assumptions and taboos that surround perimenopause and menopause.

*The “male menopause” (sometimes called the andropause) is an unhelpful term sometimes used in the media. This label is misleading because it suggests the symptoms are the result of a sudden drop in testosterone in middle age, similar to what occurs in the female menopause. This is not true. Although testosterone levels fall as men age, the decline is steady at about 1% a year from around the age of 30 to 40, and this is unlikely to cause any problems in itself. A testosterone deficiency that develops later in life, also known as late-onset hypogonadism, can sometimes be responsible for these symptoms, but in many cases the symptoms are nothing to do with hormones. [nhs.uk]