As I write this, my final ‘Mother of Daughters’ column, I confess I have loved reflecting back over the years as well as considering some of the issues girls and young women face today. I am the first to admit I am not a perfect mother (and my daughters would be quick to back that up!), but mums, aunties, youth leaders, grandparents, mentors and friends are precious and needed resources for young women today. I am increasingly persuaded that whatever our marital status and whether we are a biological mother or not, we can all play our part in raising confident girls and ultimately confident women.
Being a role model
My daughters are in their 20s now, and I laughed out loud recently when one of them texted me to report she was becoming more like me in her old age! The reason? Had she bought furry slippers, big pants or discovered the benefits of oats on cholesterol levels? No. She was in fact struggling to choose between pairs of shoes. To be fair, I did indeed resonate! My other daughter texted the very same day from the supermarket with a photo of her holding our favourite flavour of tea. It seems I am leaving a legacy in ways I certainly did not imagine. Who knew that our tea of choice would pass on through the generations? But, the reality is, we are all role models in ways we don’t always realise.
Like many parents, during the teenage years I wasn’t sure that anything I said or did was sinking in. Sometimes I felt ignored or even ridiculed, with eye-rolls galore whenever I spoke; but it all still mattered. It was Mark Twain who once said: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” The same is clearly true for mothers. Even when it seems like our daughters are desperately trying to be different to us, they are also absorbing more than we realise. As we live alongside them, they see how we handle problems and people; and they witness how we treat the waiting staff and the person who cuts us up on the motorway. They observe whether we are honest, hard-working or whether we gossip and complain. And, importantly, when we explain our values and why we prioritise things such as hospitality or generosity, they might shrug or even whine in the moment, but they may well repeat the very same thing to their friends three days later when we are not around.
While role modelling is a vital part of parenting, it is not limited to the home. Girls need many wonderful women in their lives. I thank God for the friends, church leaders, praying older folks and teachers who have all deposited valuable wisdom, faith and acceptance into the lives of our daughters. When their young eyes have seen women speaking on a stage, working in tech, playing with children, rocking up early to prepare for the church service or standing up for themselves gently but firmly, they have gained permission to do the same. They see and believe that they too are uniquely crafted masterpieces, created by God to make a difference in the world.
Words change worlds
A while back, I was hosting an interactive seminar on communication skills in a college, where young adults were asked to give a presentation before we all gave feedback – a brave thing to do. One girl stood and presented to the class with clarity, focus and passion. It was impressive. When it came to the feedback, people gave general comments and then one young man said: “I found you a bit scary to be honest.” There was much laughter in response. I waited for the kerfuffle to die down and then turned to her as the class listened and said something like: “I think what this young man is trying to say is that you have natural presence, you have a sense of authority, you have restrained body language and a clear knowledge of your subject. You are not scary. You show confidence and competence. Don’t change anything and keep being yourself.” It was not the fault of this young woman that her classmate was intimidated by her ability and strength. But a moment like that can cause any woman to climb back into her box and stay there for fear of how they might be perceived. Words stick, don’t they?
In a world full of algorithms and social media declaring that girls and women are ‘not enough’, but contexts elsewhere simultaneously telling us we are ‘too much’, we so need champions, cheerleaders, friendships and safe places to reinforce to the next generation that they are accepted and more than good enough. And while we should courageously challenge limits, stereotypes or prejudice wherever possible, we must also keep using our words to affirm what is good.
As a woman and a mother juggling so many responsibilities, the most important thing I can do is to slow down often, notice the younger woman in front of me and say words like: “You are so talented/wise/kind” or “I am so thankful for you.” But this is a call for all of us to play our part. Like the mature couple I know who would send a card full of affirming words to every young person in their church sitting their GCSEs that year, we can all impart blessing. Our words really do have the power to bring life and love. I would simply encourage us all that this power is more needed than ever.
I may be stepping back from writing in Woman Alive each month, but I continue to thank God for the words, positive messages and wonderful role models in this magazine. It is such a valuable resource and a great team.
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