Please, don’t stay silent

I recently spent a lovely day with my two aunties. They are my mum’s younger sisters; sadly, Mum is no longer with us, which makes spending time with them even more special. They’re great company and a lot of fun! 

We got on to the inevitable question: “And what are you doing workwise now, Jo?” (They know, but it’s been a while!) I responded with: “I’m a menopause coach, I run training for workplaces, coach women going through menopause and run a Facebook Community called ‘What the Fog?’” 

This expectation that women should be strong and resilient – has been a significant barrier to women’s health for generations

“Oh,” came the reply. Then…“Don’t you think we overthink it all these days? After all, we just got on with it; I don’t remember any difficulties when I went through menopause. We sailed through it. In fact, I was very happy at that time in my life. Surely the more we think about it the more it becomes an issue?…And as for HRT, well that just wasn’t an option so we had to get on with it.”

I’ll be honest, I find this response quite difficult. Perhaps they did ‘sail’ through it – after all we know 20 per cent of women don’t suffer debilitating symptoms. I’m sure they wouldn’t have known the extensive symptoms when they went through it and therefore never joined the dots. I know it’s not something they talked to their doctors about and, for one of my aunties, going to the GP about anything is a last resort! But I find it difficult because it implies we’re making a fuss now and that perimenopause and menopause aren’t important points in a woman’s life. It also highlights the historical cultural contempt towards women’s health and wellbeing that we still see, albeit to a lesser extent perhaps, today.

‘Sailing through’

While the belief that menopause is ‘no big deal’ can be difficult to hear, it’s nothing new. The reality is women did, and still do, ‘put up and shut up’ because it can be hard to be heard. Historically, medical research wasn’t there to truly understand this life stage. All of this causes me to wonder: is the idea of ‘sailing through’ menopause, so often handed down, more about this culture of silence than what women were really going through?  

My own mum said she ‘sailed through’ menopause. As I reflect back over her life, I’d love to be able to ask her about the crushing lack of confidence that kept her out of the classroom, despite being a brilliant teacher. I remember her friend, a headteacher, saying to me: “Your mum is one of the best teachers I’ve ever employed, yet she really doesn’t believe that about herself.” Was that perimenopause? I don’t know for certain, but she was in her mid-40s and juggling all the things a mid-lifer has to. 

As we continued our conversation one of my aunties said: “I think the problem is, women do just get on with it; we look after everyone else in our families and put ourselves last.” 

I couldn’t agree more. This culture of silence – this expectation that women should be strong and resilient – has been a significant barrier to women’s health for generations. It’s a culture that has led to women suffering in silence, feeling isolated and often blaming themselves for the challenges they face.

As a coach, I work with women facing perimenopause challenges. They are struggling to maintain their equilibrium while dealing with disruptive symptoms. For example, I recently met a woman who is feeling emotionally vulnerable and anxious due to work-related stress caused by menopause symptoms. She’s desperately trying to hide these symptoms to avoid being labelled as weak or misunderstood. This ‘put up and shut up’ attitude, while strong, isn’t helping her. Without proper support, she risks becoming one of the many talented women who leave the workforce due to a lack of understanding about menopause. 

Challenging the culture

What can we do to challenge this culture of silence? How can we be allies for the women in our churches, workplaces, families and communities – as well as ourselves? 

Here are some practical steps you can take today:

1 Educate yourself Learn about the physical, emotional and psychological changes that occur during perimenopause and menopause.

2 Listen with empathy Understand that everyone’s experience of perimenopause is unique. Create a safe space for open and honest conversations.

3 Challenge harmful language Speak out against disrespectful or patronising comments.

4 Engage in open dialogue Initiate conversations to raise awareness and reduce stigma.

5 Offer support Be there for women who are going through it. Offer kindness, compassion and prayerful and practical support.

6 Advocate for change Support policies and initiatives that promote women’s health and wellbeing.

It is wonderful when a woman ‘sails through’ menopause, but let’s not minimise the challenges faced by those who don’t. This time can feel like internal chaos, a jolt causing us to reassess and re-evaluate. Jesus came to bring life in all its fullness, which is a whole life experience! By breaking the silence around menopause, we can dispel the guilt and shame often associated with struggling. 

Jo Ibbott is an executive menopause coach, working with women and workplaces to help them understand menopause and its impact so they can make positive change. She also founded the Facebook group ‘What the Fog? Understanding Menopause & Perimenopause’, which supports those navigating menopause with good information: @_whatthefog