I’m a Christian millennial mum and I have sensed that boomer grandparents are being edged out…

‘Honour your father and mother’. Is there a more controversial command in 2024? For millennials like myself, this command is a particularly difficult pill to swallow—and we may be hurting ourselves as a result.

Born between 1981-1996, the millennial experience has been characterised by the financial insecurity caused by the 2008 crash. It is no surprise, therefore, that much resentment is directed towards our own parents’ generation, the ‘baby boomers’ - a cohort dubbed the ‘luckiest generation in history’ due to their relative prosperity. We clash over everything, from house prices to work to (famously) avocados, and the divide sometimes seems intractable.

Since becoming a mother, I have noticed a new facet to this generational cold war. 

Since becoming a mother, I have noticed a new facet to this generational cold war. My son was born in December, and around the time of his birth I took an antenatal class. Hidden amongst the helpful feeding, sleeping, and post-birth advice was a warning about grandparents. “Times have changed,” our group leader said with an eye roll, “they might not agree with the modern guidance.”

It turns out she was not alone. I checked the websites of various public health organisations and charities, and found articles which, while not totally dismissive of grandparents, contained more than a note of caution. Anecdotally, I know many mums personally who are hesitant to confide in their parents, usually citing fear of judgement or differing opinions as the cause.

So, with granny out of the picture, many millennial mums have turned online for guidance. However, while websites of public health organisations and online influencers can be helpful, neither is without problems. To protect the public, advice from health organisations is calibrated for worse case scenarios, such as illness or Sudden Infant Deaths, often leaving parents excessively anxious. Social media mum-fluencers, on the other hand, are incentivised to create provocative content, not to ensure the safety of newborns.

With so many parents lost in the Google fog (the term ‘parenting tips’ returns 5,170,000,000 results), I have to wonder: is this really the best way to source parenting advice? By leaving granny out, are we left with a missing piece?

Which brings me back to Exodus 20:12. The whole commandment reads: “Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12)

The fifth commandment has the distinction of being the only one to include a promise, implying a strong causal link between respect for ones parents and the flourishing of the nation.

The fifth commandment has the distinction of being the only one to include a promise, implying a strong causal link between respect for ones parents and the flourishing of the nation. Why was this?

Apart from the obvious reasons—the authority and wisdom that comes with age, and the importance of care for the elderly—there is one which sticks out and that is stories.

In a world that is increasingly conscious of the power of ‘lived experience’, this idea should be familiar. We understand that the personal experiences of different groups contribute to the increase of wisdom and empathy within society. The Israelites understood this, too—the generation that lived through the exodus from Egypt were commanded to regularly rehearse the story of their own rescue to their children through the Passover meal (Exodus 12:26-27). The lived experience of older generations was honoured, preserved, and applied.

In much the same way, grandparents have many of their own stories to tell—and the fact that they’ve made it to grandparenthood at least suggests that their stories might carry some weight. Perhaps the advice is sometimes peppered with ‘we didn’t have that in my day’ and ‘why don’t you just…’, but if parents were able to look past the delivery, they may find gold just beneath the surface.

Christian grandparents have even more to offer. Having experienced God’s love in ways as yet unimagined for their younger counterparts, they bring something that the NHS and latest mummy blogger cannot: hope. Just as the ancient Israelites recalled stories of sea-parting and manna in the wilderness when their own kids were facing new enemies and harsh circumstances, modern parents, weighed down with fears about sleep and illness and milestone-meeting, can find rest and reassurance when the grandparents share their own memories of God’s goodness to them in hard times.

A month after my son was born, my own boomer mum came to stay. During one particularly tearful afternoon, she held him for me and rocked him gently with an air of unconcern that comes with experience. She told me funny stories of her own mistakes when she was a new mum, and about God’s faithfulness through it all. She promised to pray for me.

I slept well that night.