‘This is a role over which one has absolutely no control. Nobody invites you to become a grandparent! Reactions vary hugely, from delight, to dismay at becoming ‘old’ to everything in between,’ says Rosemary Hector, as she shares some of her experiences of becoming a grandparent.
When we became grandparents, I cast about for advice. What did the Bible say about the role? There is advice about parenting, yes, from St Paul, and Jesus also noted what good parents do, but the Bible is strangely silent on grandparenting. It’s quite simple. Few lived to see old age, and children were not considered important in the early first century. Contrast this with the huge contribution some modern western grandparents make to the family economy and social life. But the principles are still there. So what have I observed?
Firstly, this is a role over which one has absolutely no control.
Firstly, this is a role over which one has absolutely no control. Nobody invites you to become a grandparent! Reactions vary hugely, from delight, to dismay at becoming ‘old’ to everything in between.
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But it’s not your story of becoming a parent being lived over again. Of course, there are repetitions and memories. I have flashbacks when I hear a rush of Lego spilling on the carpet, when I smell baby shampoo, or see a porridge-spattered kitchen floor. But our children live in a different world, and theories of childcare change over generations. It’s wise to keep quiet! If nobody is unsafe then, hard as it is, let it go. I have to remember my parents probably disapproved of some of my actions and managed to stay quiet, for example, when I sat with my children until they slept. I, like many of my generation, was allowed to howl myself to sleep!
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It’s fun to watch a new little family unit forge its culture, and way of doing things, but it won’t necessarily be your way. Your grandchild has other influences. Tread carefully; it’s not helpful to hark back to the days when you made a swing, dug a sandpit, sewed frocks, or didn’t own a television, let alone a computer. That was then, and your grandchildren’s parents may have quite different ideas on how to operate, perhaps wishing to avoid some of the mistakes you made!
Secondly, you’re simply there. If we’re privileged, this is a long game.
Secondly, you’re simply there. If we’re privileged, this is a long game. Children are not impressed by any attempt to impress them! Better to share the awe over a rainbow, a snowstorm, or a snail crawling over the path than attempt to explain the science if we haven’t a clue. By all means tell the story of Noah and the rainbow, but then go home to look up how the rainbow is formed. A spirit of curiosity is better to foster than a lot of idiotic ‘answers’. Children don’t expect you to be expert in Minecraft, or Barbie outfits, or dinosaurs although it is marvellous if you can forge a common interest. But they expect us to be interested in them and their world. Knowing about their world helps us to pray for them.
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Whilst the Bible does not give direct instructions, the Ten Commandments give some excellent ‘rules of thumb’. We are told not to covet. That means not pining for the days when we were thirty and fast at everything, including clipping a child into a buggy, or envying our neighbours who have the capacity to take the kids off for a week and give them a great time, or even those who have no messy grandchildren to disrupt their tidy lives. They in turn might wish for your circumstances.
The commandment to ‘honour your father and mother’ pulled me up short recently. I no longer have parents to honour. But what do I ask of my children? What do I expect in matters relating to presents, or how to spend a day out, or Christmas, or what to eat for breakfast? Do I make it easy for my children to honour me? Do I support my grandchildren to honour their parents? Some grandparents subtly invite their grandchildren to get involved in a tug of war, a competition with other adults, or even other grandparents. It’s a minefield. Of course, we all make mistakes. But it’s worth remembering that love covers a multitude of sins. The commandments are there to help and steer us, not burden us.
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