‘Relationships are messy. In many ways, life might be so much easier if we didn’t have to interact with others. Yet God, in his wisdom, chose us to live in community. I don’t know about you, but I have become increasingly aware of a trend of cutting ‘toxic’ people out of our lives,’ says Danielle Finch.
In a world where we are increasingly seeing individuals cutting ‘toxic’ family members out of their lives, as Christian women, does Christ require more from us?
Please don’t misunderstand me, I do not condone staying in an unsafe or emotionally abusive situation. Ultimately we should bring hurtful people and situations before the Lord and ask for his guidance. But I can’t help but wonder if we would see many things in a different light, if we only took a metaphorical step back and looked at the person rather than their traits and behaviours. Rather than simply ending each and every relationship that causes us pain.
My own mum has sadly passed away now, but my relationship with her was quite fraught for a good few years.
My own mum has sadly passed away now, but my relationship with her was quite fraught for a good few years. This became more apparent during my teenage years as I strove for some autonomy and to say she struggled to let go would be an understatement. It infuriated me. I think anyone who knew her would also agree that she knew how to hold a grudge and could be quite short tempered. All of this, combined with my own self-centredness drove an ever-increasing wedge between us. I felt quite adamant that all of the flaws in our relationship were her doing. And yes, many were. Yet in my self-righteousness, I was blinded to my own sin and blinded from seeing the hurting woman beneath the behaviour.
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It took revelation from God over several years, a large dose of humility as well as having my own children to start to understand and celebrate my mum for all of the beautiful characteristics that made her who she was. I came to a deeper understanding of the immense trauma she had suffered as a child which affected the way she parented us. I begin to see how her rheumatoid arthritis caused unrelenting pain that would make the holiest of us short-tempered. I began to see her not through human eyes, but through the eyes of the One who created her. I saw her incredible sense of humour, her love for her family and her incredible courage to keep going despite all she had been through.
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Does this mean that her words or actions didn’t sometimes hurt me? Or my own hurt her? Of course not.
Does this mean that her words or actions didn’t sometimes hurt me? Or my own hurt her? Of course not. Relationships are messy. In many ways, life might be so much easier if we didn’t have to interact with others. Yet God, in his wisdom, chose us to live in community. I don’t know about you, but I have become increasingly aware of a trend of cutting ‘toxic’ people out of our lives. And in some cases, this might be a completely valid course of action. Yet part of me feels that as a society, we might be losing not only the skills, but also the desire to reconcile to those who have hurt us. As well as the humility to acknowledge that we are also capable of causing hurt. In Matthew 18:22, Jesus reminds us of a sobering truth of what God expects from us regarding forgiveness:
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
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Not only does God, in his sovereignty, require us to forgive as we ourselves have been forgiven, but he also knows the life-giving freedom that forgiveness can bring to each of us. I do not know what you have been through or the pain that has been inflicted on you, but I do know that God wants more for you than being stuck in a place of trauma or anger. Maybe forgiveness for you looks like a reconciled relationship as it did for me. Perhaps forgiveness will bring you emotional healing whilst still requiring you to put firm boundaries in place.
My prayer for each of us this Mother’s Day is that we would be able to humbly come before the Lord, acknowledge our own failures and seek his guidance as we follow his command to forgive others and look to restore broken relationships when he calls us to.
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