I’m single and found out I may be infertile - I’ve had to learn to trust God with my future

As a single women, things in the secular world often feel unfair. Like why me? But as a single women within the Christian church, that feeling is multiplied. The pressure is just uncomfortable. When everyone around you is getting married or having children, it puts you in a lonely place of isolation. Then I consider my age and the opening credits of Bridget Jones start rolling.

Let me get personal. I started my period very early and have since experienced excruciating pain, nausea, and heavy bleeding. Don’t get me started on the hormone imbalance… like most women, I sought help from my GP, who would subsequently run tests. This cycle would continue multiple times, over a decade. 

It was decided that I would have surgery. My headspace wasn’t great and I desperately wanted healing.

About three years ago, things got complicated. I became ill and was referred for a transvaginal ultrasound. After which, the sonographer started throwing diagnoses around and filling my head with questions. As it turned out I had an ovarian cyst and symptoms that pointed to endometriosis. Having previously been diagnosed with, but reversed PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), I was very overwhelmed. My test results were sent to Gynaecology, and I was assigned an appointment with a specialist consultant.

I remember the day very clearly, 1st February 2022 at 11:30am. There was so much anticipation, I was with the consultant for about an hour and having gone through my history, tests, etcetera, we got onto the BIG topic of infertility. My relationship status and sexual activity were put into question before I was asked to consider whether I wanted children. This was always so obvious to me. But it forced me to think about my future, despite being single and how it may impact someone else. It was a thought process I wasn’t prepared for. At the end of my consultation, it was decided that I would have surgery. Its fair to say, upon leaving the hospital my headspace wasn’t great. And I desperately wanted healing.

The ridiculous thing was, a few weeks before, I started online dating. I would later log back in and change my preferences, avoiding any questions relating to children and I found myself wondering whether I should only date guys with kids? Somehow, this thought stopped me from feeling like I’d let my future husband down. I also wondered: when is it appropriate to discuss infertility?

As mentioned, I’ve struggled with anxiety and self worth, at times falling into a depression. I didn’t understand why I could be deprived of the most natural, privilege. While couples around me were getting pregnant, I was in pain. Feeling bitterly disappointed. And wondering why not my womb?!

Over time the issue of infertility has became more about trusting him and less about my concerns.

It occurred to me that God designed marriage as a reflection of his love for us, to be an intimate union and ultimately unconditional. Over time the issue of infertility has became more about trusting him and less about my concerns. Families have multiple forms. And I needed to remember God’s plans will always be bigger, better and sometimes unpredictable.

I had surgery in April and thought my future was written. But without fail, Jesus was right there, with his hand in mine. He took hold of the situation and gave me a picture of my future daughter. This has been an absolute blessing. I’ve still got to have some treatments, but he answered my prayers and provided heeling from the hurt. Although I’m yet to meet my future husband, I’m hopeful for our life together.