‘I suffer from religious OCD’

I’ve had scrupulosity for as long as I recall, tormenting periods where my mind is like a record, my thoughts the stylus that burrows ominously in a pesky groove causing it to repeat ad nauseam.

For those unaware, scrupulosity is an understudied subtype of OCD and sufferers live with chronic self-condemnation and anxiety about religious issues. It’s estimated that up to 60% of devoutly religious people with OCD battle scrupulosity.

From as young as four, I remember praying obsessively, terrified of upsetting God and facing his punishment. 

From as young as four, I remember praying obsessively, terrified of upsetting God and facing his punishment. Over the years, especially during times of stress or hormonal changes I’ve wrestled with irrational beliefs that I’ve out-sinned God’s grace.

Two years ago I had my first hot flush. It’s commonly accepted that people who battle or have battled OCD in the past can see symptoms return or worsen significantly thanks to hormonal fluctuations.

A week after my first flush I was sitting in church when my minister, during an impassioned sermon asked, “Do some of you think you’re saved, yet you are willfully sinning?” I felt that terrifyingly familiar surge of fear course through my veins, my heart pounding so loud I could no longer hear and when the preaching was over I feared my legs wouldn’t carry me out the door. I knew I’d been triggered but what I didn’t realised was that I’d spend the next 12 months with the same petrifying thought repeating ever minute of every waking hour - ‘You are willfully sinning.’

I searched my Bible frantically and fell upon Hebrews 10: 26-27, “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment….”

Taking this verse totally out of context, (it means rejecting the one true sacrifice for sins: the Lord Jesus Christ) I was convinced I was no longer saved.

 Beseeching God for answers, I stumbled upon the book, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan

Beseeching God for answers, I stumbled upon the book, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan and read how he overcame this torment by realising he was experiencing an affliction and this mindset helped him enormously because he stopped battling his thoughts, which in turn relieved his distress significantly. This would be my first step too - I stopped treating this as a spiritual issue and looked at it for what it was - faulty brain circuitry.

I also found Brain Lock by Jeffrey M Schwartz incredibly powerful, as I followed the four steps in the book: re-label, re-attribute, re-focus and re-value. Doing this constantly rewires the brain.

OCD tends to ‘latch on’ to what’s most important and for myself and many others, it’s faith. I’d love to see greater awareness of religious OCD in Bible colleges as sadly our pastors (through no fault of their own) are unaware of the behavioural red flags to be aware of (i.e. repeatedly seeking assurance on spiritual matters). Having the tools to help someone separate the false obsessional thoughts from the facts is crucial in allowing that person to once again have joy in the priceless gift Christ has given those who have faith alone, in him alone.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.