GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I hate being a mum

Dear Woman Alive

My daughter is three months old and I hate being a mum. I’ve been married for ten years and we’ve been trying for a baby for the last five. We both talked about wanting children in marriage preparation classes and it was exciting thinking and talking about having little versions of us. But ever since Olivia arrived, all I can think about is the life I left behind and the lack of freedom. Everyone tells me what a blessing she is, and I know that, but I don’t feel like it. It feels more like a burden to me.

Postnatal depression is a depressive illness which affects between 10 to 15 in every 100 women having a baby.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for writing in and sharing your honest feelings. Many other mothers will have felt the same as you, but felt unable to talk about it. I want to bring some encouragement to you, but first I want to address the potential for your feelings being the result of post-natal depression.

Five things I’ve learned living as a Christian mum with depression

A 2018 study from the Royal College of Psychiatrists on postnatal depression says: ‘Postnatal depression is a depressive illness which affects between 10 to 15 in every 100 women having a baby. The symptoms are similar to those in depression at other times. These include low mood and other symptoms lasting at least two weeks. Depending on the severity, you may struggle to look after yourself and your baby. You may find simple tasks difficult to manage.

‘You may feel distressed, or guilty for feeling like this, as you expected to be happy about having a baby.’

‘I don’t know how to be your mum!’

The paper went on to explain how postnatal depression can affect how you feel about your baby. It mentioned:

• · You may feel guilty that you don’t feel the way you expected to.
• · You may or may not love your baby.
• · You may not feel close to your baby.
• · You might find it hard to work out what your baby is feeling, or what your baby needs.
• · You may resent the baby or blame the baby for the way you feel.
• · You may feel as if you are missing out on motherhood.

So I think it is important for you to go to your GP and talk about how you feel. You will not be judged, and you may just find some medical help that can shift things for you.

I would also encourage you to get some practical help from friends and family if you can. Even if someone looks after your daughter for an hour, so you can go for a walk or grab a coffee, it may help you feel more like yourself.

Having a baby restricts freedom, there is no doubt about it, but focusing on what you miss from your old life, will only exacerbate your feelings of despair. The Bible has something to say about our thought life. Philippians 4:8 says ‘Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.’ As a practical step, start writing down the things you are grateful for in Olivia. Perhaps her sweet smile, her tiny toes, the way her eyes light up when she sees you. Start thanking God for her, even though you don’t feel thankful, and I believe you will start to have a mind shift.

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John 15:13 says: ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.’ Right now you are practically laying down your life for your baby girl. It is hard, but there is immense beauty in it. I believe God will come close to you in this hardship, and give you his daily grace as your parent your daughter. Your old life may have died, but there is hope in this valley.

Psalm 84:6 says: ‘As they go through the Valley of Baca (weeping) they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.’

That speaks of life coming from a hard place. May you find the springs of living water refresh you this season.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.