In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, Marcia Dixon responds to a reader who feels attracted to a man that is not her husband.
Dear Woman Alive,
I have been married for five years, and recently my best friend got married to a man she had been dating for a year. They moved nearby and we now go to the same church as my husband and I and hang out together as a four, quite often. I get on really well with my friend’s new husband, and we spend lots of time chatting together as we have so much in common. I realised I miss him when I don’t see him, and I feel a nervous excitement when I am about to see him. I wouldn’t ever act on anything, as I love my husband, and I hate adultery, but what do I do with these feelings? I have considered suggesting to my husband we move to a new town so we don’t see them as much, but I know he would think I was crazy as we have great jobs and currently live really close to family. My best friend just seems glad we get on so well, so I don’t think she realises my true feelings. Please help me.
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Dear Reader,
I’m sorry to read of your dilemma caused by you forming a strong bond with a man who is not your spouse. If this relationship is not stopped it will put your relationship with your husband and best friend in jeopardy.
If this relationship is not stopped it will put your relationship with your husband and best friend in jeopardy.
From reading what you’ve shared, the good thing is that even in the midst of your growing emotional attachment to your best friend’s husband, (who I’ll refer to as Rob for ease of reference) the Holy Spirit is speaking to you and inspiring you to take control of your feelings and refocus on your marriage and you are listening.
Some would describe your relationship with Rob as an emotional affair, which is a strong attachment between two people that is emotionally intimate and close, but not physically consummated. It’s not the type of extra-marital relationship a married woman needs.
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It’s very clear that all the love and excitement you should have when you see your husband – whom you say you love - is being directed at Rob. Moving away to a different town or attending a new church is not the answer to the predicament you find yourself in. The solution to this problem is partly within you.
To be honest, I have so many questions to ask about your marriage because you provided very scant information about it but I’m going to pose them anyway because when you have a quiet moment you can answer them by yourself.
Did you marry your husband because he was the best choice of a bad bunch?
Did you marry your husband because he was the best choice of a bad bunch? You didn’t want to be left on the shelf? It was a rebound relationship? You felt it was a God blessed marriage and that you could build a great life together?
If you married your husband for healthy reasons that you can still stand by, then you can salvage your relationship and continue to build a strong one. What is evident is that the arrival of Rob has made you realise there is something – an important component - missing from your marriage. Could it be that frisson of passion and excitement that makes a couple not only interested in each other but want to remain connected to each other.
Songs of Solomon 8:7 states ‘Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.’ And alludes to what passion between a husband and wife can be like.
Could it also be that you also feel unseen by your husband and aren’t able to fully communicate who you are and what you like in that easy manner that you can do with Rob?
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You will need to find ways to lessen your contact with Rob so you can focus on what’s happening between you and your husband and work your marriage. I would encourage you though, to maintain your relationship with your best friend. Counselling can sometimes be used as a panacea for all human problems but in this instance I would suggest you find a Christian counsellor or a wise person to talk to about how you feel about your husband and what you feel is missing from your relationship.
It’ll help you work out why you’re feel so strongly for Rob the way you do, and what’s happening or not happening in your marriage to make you feel this way. Once you understand what’s causing you to be so intensely drawn towards Rob, you can take those steps to have that all important conversation with your husband about how you feel about your marriage, what’s missing and what steps you can both take to get it back on the right track.
As I said earlier, it’s wisdom (the Holy Spirit) encouraging you to put your attention and focus back on your husband and examine yourself so that you can rebuild your marriage and get what you need from your husband. I hope some of the advice provided will help you do that.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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