Growing up feminist, Kate Orson was initially disgusted by Ephesians 5. But she says she has learned to trust that God’s way is best
The first time I read about wives submitting to their
husbands in the letters of Paul I felt like throwing my Bible across the room. I’d had an encounter with God and, although I felt sceptical about the Bible, I decided I’d just give it a read and see how much I thought was true. When I got to the bit about wives submitting I was certain, I thought to myself, ‘’this can’t be the word of God, it must have been corrupted and altered!’’
Over time God changed my heart and the Holy Spirit showed me that all scripture in the Bible is, as Timothy says: “God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3:16). If the Bible says that we should submit to our husbands, then that’s what we must do.
What exactly does that mean?
The word submission conjures up terrible connotations of a husband controlling a wife’s every move from the way she dresses, to the friends she meets and what she spends her money on. It’s a wife who has no say, who is beaten and trodden on, who cannot fulfil her ambitions, but must instead live in servitude to her man. It sounds pretty awful, and sadly there are Christians who have interpreted the verses this way.
In a sermon published online, pastor Mike Winger discusses Ephesians 5:24-25: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Winger observes that the instruction submit is directed to wives. Men aren’t being told to force their wives to obey, but instead to love them. He says: “Notice this, when God tells wives how to behave he doesn’t tell husbands how their wives ought to behave. This is hugely important. A wife does it wilfully, intentionally. She submits, she is not forced to submit – that’s abuse.”’
In an interview with Nina Roesner, founder of Greater Impact, a marriage counselling ministry, she told me: “A lot of Christian culture promotes the concept that women have to obey their spouses, but not as much attention is paid to what men should do. Men should be laying their lives down for their wives, living in an understanding way, having the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.”
Finding freedom
As someone who grew up feminist, the idea of submission was a hard one for me to get my head around, but I found something unexpected in it: freedom. Freedom from the chains of worldly ideas of what being a woman is, freedom from trying to push against the natural state of how God designed us. It is so freeing to discover who God intends us to be, rather than fighting against his will and trying to be something different.
Jesus says: “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). When we follow God’s will for our lives we will find rest and peace. We know that God is good, and that if he is telling us to submit then this is the best way for the health of our marriages, and our happiness.
Satan is the god of this world, and, in an ungodly culture, it can be easy to lose sight of what God intends for women. Sometimes the world can pull us towards an incorrect interpretation of scripture that fits more easily with the age. I know I often stray away from these verses about submitting, because it seems so counter to everything I grew up with and the world around me.
However, there are little moments, when I’m talking with my husband about a decision that needs to be made and I remember. I find myself sharing my thoughts, as I always would have, but then putting the final decision in his hands.
How does this work in times of difficulty? When there is disagreement or when a husband isn’t doing his part in loving his wife? This is a time when we need our community of older sisters in Christ to show us the way.
Titus 2:3-5 (ESVUK) says: “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
Older women who have walked the Christian path for many years can offer practical ideas and support based on their experience. However, some advice may be unhelpful or unhealthy, so it’s worth testing everything we hear with prayer and by reading the word of God. Submission should never mean staying in an abusive situation.
We cannot look to the world to show us how to have a happy marriage, but we can look to God’s word and each other
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