Why can't men tell the difference between friendly and flirting?

I’ve recently had an odd experience. One I’ve giggled at, rolled my eyes at and completely over-thought. So, it’s only right that I draw a line under the whole ordeal by writing about it, don’t you think?  

Get comfy, it’s story time. 

As part of my day job, I co-host an interview-style podcast. I tell you this because, recently, our guest was a young, perfectly pleasant and pretty famous thinker-type guy. He has subscribers coming out of his ears and a fanbase that hangs on his every thought. 

And it went well. I remember walking away from that interview thinking that it was a successful morning of work – and I was well overdue a cup of tea. He was a nice guest, it was an interesting episode – let’s all pat ourselves on the back and put the kettle on, shall we? 

I didn’t give it much more thought until a couple of months later. The interview was released and I broke my own cardinal rule…I read the YouTube comments. Now, I wouldn’t usually engage in such an ego-shredding activity but the weirdest thing caught my eye. I found myself reading comment after comment, all of which seemed to be posted by men, insisting that I was flirting my way through the interview.

According to these comments, I was “smiling from ear to ear” and “twirling my hair”; I was “blushing”, “flirting” and “crushing”. One comment even said that I was “on heat”. 

Sorry?! 

Don’t get me wrong, this interviewee was perfectly pleasant but I can hand-on-heart say that this flirtatious behaviour is the stuff of fiction. 

But that didn’t seem to matter, as the comments just kept coming and coming. 

At first, it was amusing – my colleagues giggled at the thought of his fan base turning me into some kind of Lois Lane. I had Mr Bennet’s disappointed voice whirring around my mind, calling me “the most determined flirt that ever made herself and her family ridiculous” (any other Pride and Prejudice fans out there?)

And, you know what? I have enough perspective to know that these comments really don’t matter. As far as inconveniences go, this is a pretty silly one. To be told that you’re “on heat” by a complete stranger is undeniably weird, but it’s fine. 

Plus, serves me right for reading those darn comments.

Men misreading the signals

However humorous, I can’t deny that this experience has unsettled me a little. Not necessarily in a personal sense, but in a wider, societal kind of sense. Because all of these men are seeing actions that aren’t there. They’re pointing out intentions that don’t exist. They’re narrating a reality that’s completely false. They’re reading me with confidence, yet they’re reading me all wrong. And that sent me down a research hole. 

Now, the vast majority of research on this topic comes from evolutionary psychology – so, let’s all feel free to take it with as big a pinch of salt as we deem necessary. Let’s also bear in mind that there are exceptions to every rule, and we’re about to tar a whole load of people with one brush. But, nevertheless, I couldn’t help but spot little glints of truth in what the endless research appears to be telling us. 

Women’s behaviours are being keenly observed and totally misunderstood

Apparently, when it comes to asking ourselves: “Does this person like me?” Or “Do they like me?” – the majority of women tend to assume not, while the majority of men tend to assume so. And this can lead men to detect feelings and behaviours that simply aren’t there; New York magazine calls this “the flirting fallacy”. Interestingly, it seems to be just as prevalent in countries such as Norway, that tend to score pretty highly on the gender equality front, which is why it’s a phenomenon that has been handed over to the evolutionary psychologists to work out – because it appears to transcend culture.  

Fascinating, isn’t it? 

Reading this research, I started to think about endless conversations I’ve had with friends of mine (both male and female), and I came to a realisation – this happens in church, too. In fact, it happens a heck of a lot. A little disclaimer: I have no official statistics for this, apparently they don’t exist. But, what I do have is more instances than I can count that all seem to follow the same pattern. When women attempt to build friendship with a man they meet in church (or even just show him a little politeness), said man seems to think it’s flirtation that’s on offer, not friendship. And a whole lot of awkwardness tends to ensue. For both parties. 

Isn’t it so interesting? Even in church contexts, women’s behaviours are being keenly observed and totally misunderstood. I could argue that this is the symptom of something deeper: the idolisation of romantic relationships, men being subliminally told to be on the hunt for signals of female attraction, the lie that men and women can’t simply be the best of friends. 

I could go on.

But for now, I shall just say this, the flirting fallacy has an awful lot to answer for. 

Dr Belle Tindall is Seen and Unseen’s resident writer (see seenandunseen.com) and co-host of its ‘Re-Enchanting’ podcast. With a doctorate in biblical studies, she has a few specialisms; one of which is feminist theology.