Sally Hope says that the rules of Christianity are not stopping couples getting divorced and suffering sexual abuse. She suggests, ’By using love as our yardstick we will always choose the most moral course of action in any situation.’
When it comes to sexual ethics, Christianity takes a religious approach; focusing on what is ‘allowed’ and ‘not allowed’. Rules are taught which we are told come from God and are given for our protection and well-being.
Yet the rules aren’t protecting us or contributing to our wellbeing. 25% of Christians experience domestic abuse, the same as the rest of the population. Recently a Christian woman wrote into Woman Alive’s Great Sexpectation Column unsure if it was ‘wrong’ or not that her husband had raped her.
Traditional Christian sexual ethics leave people feeling shameful and unsure about what is okay and what is not.
Traditional Christian sexual ethics leave people feeling shameful and unsure about what is okay and what is not. The reason for this is that they are rules based; no matter how many rules we make, we can never make enough to cover everything.
This is the problem Jesus encountered with first century Judaism which had over 600 rules for its adherents to try to keep up with, and which were often applied in cruel and unloving ways. Jesus taught us a better way of understanding God’s law.
Jesus didn’t do away with God’s moral law, but he did do away with the need for rules. He taught us to focus on loving God and loving one another; I don’t need a rule to tell me not to commit adultery, because if I am behaving in a loving way I won’t do so, because adultery is unloving.
By using love as our yardstick we will always choose the most moral course of action in any situation. This doesn’t give Christians a licence to sexual sin, in fact it holds us to a higher standard.
This doesn’t give Christians a licence to sexual sin, in fact it holds us to a higher standard.
When Jesus clashed with the Pharisees it was because they were following the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law. We do the same with our sexual ethics. We focus on our rules but we don’t make a rule telling a man he shouldn’t rape his wife or that he should consider her enjoyment as equally important as his own, or that he shouldn’t share naked pictures of her on the internet. This focus on rules leaves room for abusive sexual behaviour that we haven’t got around to making rules for.
Jesus told us we do the right thing by loving one another. When Jesus used the word ‘love’ he was not referring to sentiment or romance but to behaviour. These behaviours are summed up in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
So a biblical, Christlike sexual ethic should focus on the behaviour described by the bible as ‘love’ and should forbid the behaviour the Bible describes as ’not love.’
A biblical sexual ethic should look less at what sexual acts we do, and more at how we do them. It should tell us that ‘good’ sex is patient, respecting the other persons boundaires; is kind, considering the other persons happiness, putting their needs first; is truthful, being honest about feelings for the other person; is protecting, making sure the other person consents, feels safe and is safe; is built on trust meaning it is faithful, sincere and the other person’s confidences are kept; we should be consistent in our approach to those we have sex with, they should know where they stand, we should keep our promises, we should never use sex as a reward or punishment; we should feel hopeful as a result of sexual relationships, making one another feel lovable and attractive and we should persevere together, viewing each other as equals and discussing what is working and not working for us openly and together.
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The sex that Christians should condemn should be sex that is:
Envious - treating the other person as a possession or an object
Boastful - treating the other person as a conquest and bragging about the sexual relationship
Arrogant - making demands of the other person or considering yourself better
Rude - putting the other person down or demeaning them, including sexually shaming people.
We should condemn sexual behaviour that is irritable, using moodiness or the threat of violence to coerce the other person; that rejoices in wrongdoing by using sex as a weapon to harm another person, or that is dishonest and unfaithful. We should condemn selfish sexual behaviour, that doesn’t care for the other person’s needs or desires or pressures them into uncomfortable situations and resentfulness that compares the other person to others or judges their ’performance.’
These sexual behaviours should be universally condemned, whether the people involved in them are married or not.
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