GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I’ve just moved in with my Christian partner – are we living in sin?

Dear Woman Alive

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over two years and are both Christians. We were introduced at the birthday party of a mutual friend and at the time we were both living in horrible flatshares and trying desperately to save for a house deposit. When my boyfriend suggested we move in together I was hesitant because I wasn’t sure if we should get married first but my mum (a divorced Christian) said it’s better to live with someone first before “jumping into marriage” and I love my boyfriend and we intend to be together for a long time so I agreed. We managed to scrape together savings and with a little help from both families we managed to buy a beautiful little house in a lovely area that we both adore and we’re really happy. But recently we started going to a church near us and some people have made comments about us being an unmarried couple living together. When she found out, one woman said, ‘Oh, I thought you were Christians?’ It made me feel really ashamed, even though I am really happy with our life together. What do you think? Am I actually living in sin?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for writing in and asking for our advice. I would say first, no, living together is not a sin, but what comes with it – sexual relations – is what God has said is kept for marriage.

So, if you and your boyfriend are having sex, you are choosing your way instead of God’s way, which could be a definition of sin.

The reason God gives us parameters of what to do and what not to do, is because he loves us. He loves you and he loves your boyfriend, and that is why I would encourage you to put God first in your relationship.

The reason God gives us parameters of what to do and what not to do, is because he loves us. He loves you and he loves your boyfriend, and that is why I would encourage you to put him first in your relationship.

You have said, ‘we intend to be together for a long time.’ Does that mean a lifetime? If so, what is stopping you getting married?

To understand the importance of saving sex for marriage as followers of Christ, we have to understand why covenant is so important to God. The God of the Bible is a covenant-keeping God.

‘Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,’ Deuteronomy 7:9 (ESV)

To understand the importance of saving sex for marriage as followers of Christ, we have to understand why covenant is so important to God. 

A covenant is an agreement, a treaty, an alliance, or a contract made between two or more persons/entities. It is a promise or set of promises, usually made under seal —something that is legally binding.

God considers marriage to be a covenant relationship. In Mark 10:7-9 Jesus says: ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’

God himself joins the husband and wife together, so they are no longer two, but one flesh. This is something supernatural and comes with a promise of his covering and blessing.

I see how practical your situation is now, and of course you could continue as you are, but I wonder if maybe God is calling you to something deeper?

In Matthew 16: 24-26 Jesus says:  ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.  For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?’

There is a cost to going God’s way and not the way of culture. It’s hard, and may seem impractical, but the rewards are big – a close walk with our Saviour, and living under his blessing.

This answer is not a condemning agreement with your friends from church that you are ‘not a Christian’. It is an invitation to so much more with God. He has amazing plans for your life, and as you and your boyfriend honour him in this area, I believe you will know a deeper closeness with your heavenly father. 

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email:womanalive@premier.org.uk

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