GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I was dumped, and now I can’t move on

Dear Woman Alive,

I recently dated a guy for a year though we probably should have broken up after six months, when I realised he wasn’t looking for commitment, but I totally fell for him. I know I became obsessed, but he made my life come into technicolour. We had so much fun together, I really fancied him, and I was just happy to be with him all the time. He was a new Christian, and I feel like I dumbed down my faith a bit with him, because his values were not exactly the same as mine, but he was so charismatic (in character) and generous. it felt like a whirlwind romance. When we eventually split up five months ago, I was devastated. The problem is I am still devastated. I know he is seeing someone else now, and I feel like a stalker, trying to find out about her, comparing myself to her, and looking for clues about his life on his social media. I know I need to move on, but I can’t do it. I feel depressed, and I can’t get on with my life. I am 32, and he was four years younger than me, which makes me paranoid about my age and ageing. I daydream about him waking up and wanting to marry me, but I know its never going to happen. I feel cross with God that I am still single, so I am not really praying about it, although I tried to fast for a day, and prayed that God would bring him back.

Dear Reader,

I’m sorry you’re reeling from this one, I can hear your pain. It sounds like you knew this wasn’t right from early on. You knew he wasn’t after commitment and you realised that he wasn’t spiritually as mature in faith as you are, which caused you to ‘dumb down’ your faith.

So what stopped you from listening to your gut and breaking up with him? What made you stay with him, even when you knew it wasn’t ideal? Understanding these dynamics is valuable information for future reference, so get really honest about why you stayed.

It sounds like you’ve been sold the common lies that if you’re single over 30, there’s something wrong with you. 

It sounds like you’ve been sold the common lies that if you’re single over 30, there’s something wrong with you. I know how lonely it can be to be single over 30 in the church and how painful some well meaning enquiries and advice can be. Instead of being celebrated as a strong, smart daughter of God, too often you can get the message that you’re less-than.

That insidious narrative is a lie from the pit of hell. Now let’s talk healing. Firstly, stop looking at his socials and quit the ‘stalking’ right now. He’s gone, that’s past, and it is self-harming to do what you’re doing in comparing yourself and keeping that link open. Unfollow, hide, mute, do whatever you need to do, but stop that. Nothing good can come of it, and you’re prolonging your pain in torturing yourself that way.

Next, as painful as this time is, this is an invitation to get to know who you are without reference to anyone except God. This is the time to take your anger, disappointment, frustration, confusion, resentment and everything else to the Lord. Tell him why you’re angry. Lay it all out. He knows your heart and He’s big enough to take it. Ask Him to show you who you are and to be the one to romance you.

Next, as painful as this time is, this is an invitation to get to know who you are without reference to anyone except God.

You cannot find your identity outside of God or you are building on sand, but don’t beat yourself up for seeking identity in relationship because it’s often what we’re trained by the world and the church to do. Let Him show you your value and identity. Ask God to point out more of the lies you’ve been taught that are hurting you and making this pain worse. I believe He is bringing the lies to the surface so you can be freed from them to step into the joy he has for you.

It’s one of the paradoxes of life that once you quit wanting a husband and are secure in yourself, you then are in a much better position to repel the wrong ‘uns and be a great team-mate for life with a good ‘un. I also completely understand that you probably want to kick my shins for saying that. It’s completely unsatisfying when you’re going through it, I know. Alas, it’s still true. I can’t tell you that someone is going to come along, but I can tell you that if God has you single, it’s for your good. God’s never gratuitous.

What I hear from your hurt and know from personal experience is that doing the deep work of finding your value and identity in God is the best work you can do. Work on being the fullness of who God made you to be as a single woman, because if you never marry, you still deserve a rich life: the abundant life Jesus came to bring you.

As you work on revelling in who God says you are, you’re also building yourself as a potential team-mate for someone in future- if they come along. Learn to love yourself before you ask anyone else to, and as you do that, you become the woman that people meet who knows she is a daughter of the King, who knows her value and is content, whether single or married. 

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

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