In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, we answer a lady who has tokophobia.
Dear Woman Alive,
I have been married to my husband for nearly three years. We are both in our early thirties, and would like children, however the thought of giving birth terrifies me. We are not using contraception at the moment, and it makes me anxious around having sex, in case I end up pregnant. I know this is strange, as I do want children, it’s just the process of giving birth makes me scared. It could be because I have read and heard of stories of people who are traumatised by the births of their children. What shall I do? I have told my husband, and he is understanding, but thinks we just need to push through and it will be fine when it eventually happens. I haven’t really prayed about it, and know I should.
Dear Reader,
First of all, let me assure you, you are not alone. Being disproportionally afraid of childbirth is potentially more common then you would realise, it even has a name – tokophobia. In 2022 we interviewed Ali Lawrence who suffered with the same phobia here. She went on to have two children by caesarean section.
Ali felt God speak to her about the daughter she was going to have, but still she was too scared to actually get pregnant.
Ali felt God speak to her about the daughter she was going to have, but still she was too scared to actually get pregnant. It was not until she went to her GP with her fear, and was referred to a consultant who confirmed that she could have a caesarean under general anaesthetic that Ali felt more confident about having a child.
Another reader wrote in with her birthing testimony, and this may encourage you. She said:
‘For my third birth I was connected to someone called Kierra Blaser, who teaches how to give birth with the help of the Holy Spirit (aheavenlywelcome.com). My husband and I did her course together, and I found the exercise ‘Holy Spirit relaxation’ particularly helpful.
The course also teaches you to ask Father, Son and Holy Spirit: “What type of birth do you want me to have?”
In it, you learn to relax your body with the Holy Spirit. The course also teaches you to ask Father, Son and Holy Spirit: “What type of birth do you want me to have?” and also ask where they will be in the delivery room. For me, Father God was at my head, with his hands on my shoulders, Jesus was there to catch the baby and Holy Spirit was around me. So when I went into the delivery room I knew Father, Son and Holy Spirit were surrounding me.
‘I had also practised doing contractions with the Holy Spirit, so when they came I felt so much peace. All through the labour, I could feel contractions, but I had no pain. In the last hour the doctor broke my waters, the contractions intensified and I had to concentrate more.
‘The last 20 minutes of pushing was a bit painful, but I felt my body was working – like at the gym – and I loved every minute of it. Fear and anxiety stops labour, and that is what I experienced with my first birth. I now know that it is possible to have a fear-free and peaceful birth. It may not be pain-free, as labour is hard work, but the Holy Spirit can help us through it.’
Read more on childbirth:
I gave birth with the help of the Holy Spirit
I put God at the centre of my birth experience
Should Christians have more children to make up for the UK’s falling birth rates?
As Christians we know we don’t have to live under debilitating fear. God can set us free. I would recommend finding women of faith to pray with you about this issue. Perhaps it is an area where God wants to do some healing? Please also know that you can go to your GP to talk about this.
Either way, God wants you to be free, and so I pray you are able to bring this fear to him, and see his provision in this area.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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