GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: How many dates does it take to know if there’s real potential?

Dear Woman Alive,

I was set up with a guy by some friends. He is my friend’s husband’s only Christian friend, and I am her only Christian friend, so they thought we would connect! When I first met him I wasn’t attracted to him physically, but I said yes to going out for a drink. We have quite a lot in common, and I could tell he is a really good guy. We went out for a meal after that, and then he came to church with me, and we had a drink after. I am not sure whether he is the one for me still, and I wondered how many dates I should go on to know if there is real potential? I worry that I am still seeing him because there are no other nice Christian guys around. But at the same time, I think I would be jealous if he started dating someone else, because he is really kind, and we do have a good time together. What do you advise? When do you know if it is a ‘just friends’ type of situation?

Dear Reader

The fact that your friend and her husband thought that you and this guy would connect solely because you are both Christians, brought on a huge eye roll because two random Christians does not necessitate a happy match.

two random Christians does not necessitate a happy match

But I get it, if you’re single and searching and you want to find a Christian, here in the UK, it does seem that there are slim pickings; especially if you are a woman. However, as a sole reason to be with someone, it’s not a great formula and clearly you don’t think it is either, or you wouldn’t be writing in to us. Jacob literally married two sisters with the same genetic make up and the Bible says in Genesis 29:30, ‘he loved her [Rachel] much more than Leah’.

The way we date, or should I say the way we approach relationships these days, is very similar to the way non-Christians date. And tbh I think that needs to change. Hold on though! I’m not talking about kissing dating goodbye a la the much-publicised book by Joshua Harris. But something about the intention needs to change.

In a secular space, this guy is on paper perfect for a casual relationship where you’re “seeing each other” while keeping a lookout for more suitable partners in the meantime. All the stuff you’re saying is tick boxing like you’d get on an app: similar interests, kind, good time together. But do you like him? My husband is obsessed with golf and watching horror films, two things you couldn’t catch me doing if you paid me. I wave him happily off to festivals by himself and he often leaves me the car with an almost empty tank and forgets to do his share of the household chores. But I love him. I love him with every fibre of my being, and I would never have matched with him on a dating app because we are so different.

In a healthy long-term, committed relationship, a lifelong partner needs to be a close, if not your best, friend.

Many Christian women who write to us with dilemmas like this are looking for marriage, and marriage in a Christian context is not just about finding someone to go to church with you or to be a nice guy. In a healthy long-term, committed relationship, a lifelong partner needs to be a close, if not your best, friend. And especially in these early stages, you should love being around him and excited to get to know him more. How he reacts and gets on with other people is also important. Have you witnessed him interacting with your friends, or even the couple who set you up in the first place? I’m not saying Christians should go from nothing to marriage without any in between steps, but it makes more sense to hang out with them as part of a group rather than go straight to his and hers dining. You also mention jealousy which, not to be a Bible basher or anything, Proverbs 27:4 has quite strong views on:

‘Anger is cruel, and wrath is like a flood, but jealousy is even more dangerous.’

Why would you be jealous if you’re not even sure you like him? That sounds pretty selfish to me. And I wouldn’t want you to get to the point a former reader did where she realised after getting married and having children that she felt a bit resentful about being with someone she wasn’t really into. She admitted she may have said yes to his proposal because there was no one else available at the time. Yikes. That’s not fair and no fun for anyone.

So look, you can’t hold this guy hostage until you figure out how you feel about him. How have you approached previous relationships? Have you been in love before? What indicators do you recognise as signs that you might like someone on a deeper level than just them being a “nice guy”? How does he make you feel? What do you want in a relationship, and does he offer that?

I know you came here for answers but you’re going to have to do a bit of self-questioning to figure this one out! As a fun experiment, you may want to consider looking at the world renowned, 36 Questions to Fall in Love as widely documented in the New York Times about a decade ago.

God luck!

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org,uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.