Dating apps not working for you? Here’s why you might be getting the matches but not the marriage

In a digital era, romance is just a swipe away with smartphones becoming the modern-day Cupid’s arrow. Yet, recent psychological research sheds light on why, despite countless matches, many users are left disillusioned.

The allure of dating apps like Tinder and Hinge is undeniable, offering a seemingly endless array of potential matches, but there are deeper dynamics at play. A recent lawsuit against a major dating app giant brought to light concerns about the addictive nature of these platforms; users find themselves entrapped in a cycle of endless swiping.

These apps compel users to seek validation through matches but often deliver a heightened sense of emptiness. This is because the dopamine rush of a match momentarily satisfies, yet is fleeting, leaving users craving more in an addictive cycle of swipe and reward.

the dopamine rush of a match momentarily satisfies, yet is fleeting, leaving users craving more in an addictive cycle of swipe and reward.

I have and continue to be opposed to app-based searches for love, based mainly on its incompatibility with my personality type – I’m ’highly agreeable’* and would end up with as many boyfriends as matches.

And also, I didn’t see God offering Adam the choice between Eve, Bella and Tiffany.

To me this on-a-loop window shopping is too akin to a vending machine for people and I’ve not trusted vending machines since I lost my £1.50 to a Twix that didn’t twist out right.

In psychology it’s termed ’swipe addiction’, wherein users become fixated on the next potential match, like a gambler chasing a winning streak. This compulsive behaviour can lead to consumption dating where individuals prioritize quantity over quality. The gamification built into dating apps means manipulative algorithms reinforce addictive behaviour and turn the search for love into a sport. It’s the most ingenious and complex of inter-plays between psychology and human emotion; immediate gratification for a deep relational need.

To me this on-a-loop window shopping is too akin to a vending machine for people and I’ve not trusted vending machines since I lost my £1.50 to a Twix that didn’t twist out right. 

My friends and I had a brunch the other day, a mixture of married through to single women. The one thing we agreed we all experienced in our disparate stages of life was the impact relationships have on the deep feelings – it doesn’t sound groundbreaking but it was a revelation moment for me. The two consistent feelings were joy and pain. Neither are shallow feelings based on momentary connection, they are big emotions located in deep caverns of our being and going there is a significant moment. They are character building and affecting feelings. They are feelings a digital platform has no means of expressing.

So, counter to the immediate gratification and impatience of the swipe culture for love; relational desire and involvement is deep, full-bodied and full of grace. The open armed Jesus who said ’let the children come to me’ is the heart posture I’d love our culture to shift to – the children being a metaphor for each of us without adult pretences or curated profiles, and the welcome “come to me” being without qualifying factor of having perfect teeth and enough in the bank for a house deposit.

Psychological research would suggest apps don’t leave room for this margin of grace, they simplify and reduce an entire person to a 2D profile. Although you’ll get matches, the person who steps out of that profile picture will be messier, stranger and more brilliant than a digital platform can contain.

If I believe marriage to be the unifying of two people into one person it goes beyond ‘compatibility’, it’s a refining process of becoming compatible through compromise and teamwork. It’s real, its face to face, there is deep relational tension and soaring relational joy. So, be on the apps, don’t be on the apps – just don’t give your relational desires to Hinge’s algorithms, give them to God because he created them. 

*Big Five Personality Test; See Goldberg, Lewis R. “The development of markers for the Big-Five factor structure.”