Are sexperts the solution to struggling Christian marriages?

“How do you sustain intimacy with your husband over a long period of time?” Her eyes held my gaze searching for every single micro-expression as I paused to process my answer.

We were at an event discussing the complexities of marriage. Here in this room, filled with struggling wives, ‘all bets were off.’ I didn’t want to rush my answer because I knew that this question wasn’t just important to her - but to all the women in the room.

My answer? Intentionality, conversation, experimentation. However, my response only partly satisfied me. It stirred an awareness that many wives don’t feel they have a safe space to work through this aspect of their marriage. It seems that my book, Secrets She Holds seemed to open a can of worms where marriage is concerned, especially regarding sexual intimacy.

Where are the UK Christian sexperts?

Where are the UK Christian sexperts? If we want to go with the science, statistics have proven that sexual intimacy leads to happier marriages. In Medical News Today, married individuals report higher levels of sexual satisfaction.

Yet, how can you have great sex if no one has taught you or you don’t talk about it? Many of the Christian women that I have connected with (in and outside of my movement) have expressed that they wished that they could freely have more conversations on this topic. It’s great to talk in general but sexperts can be the solution to a lot of dilemmas in this area.

Another dilemma arises from the scarcity of guidance on sexual intimacy in the Bible.

Another dilemma arises from the scarcity of guidance on sexual intimacy in the Bible. It’s great that our husbands can spout a few chat-up lines from Solomon’s Song of Songs but it’s still leaves so much to be explored. There are also a few scriptures that loosely address marital intimacy. For example, “The husband should fulfil his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfil her husband’s needs.” (1 Corinthians 7:3). Another scripture, “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…” (Hebrews 13:4). These scriptures offer some insight into sexual requirements for Christian marriage, however there’s still a shyness around the gift of sex. It’s essential to highlight that sex is a gift from God, a cornerstone of a healthy relationship when handled with wisdom.

Women who enjoy sex within their marriage are often unfairly judged as vulgar and unchaste within some Christian spaces. Alternatively, many women have accepted sexual discontentment as the norm within their marriage. We all have different experiences, and it has been refreshing to open discussions around the topic of intimacy within my book and ministry. My hope is that it doesn’t stop there. We need more opportunities to have balanced conversations without the fear that it paints a negative picture of our relationships. So many of us are willing to learn and employ newfound lessons within our marriages in the hope of deep and meaningful enrichment.

Over time, many couples experience a decline in sexual libido, leading to dissatisfaction and strain in the marriage. The bottom line? Wives want a safe space to work through their sexual issues, recognising that sexual intimacy significantly impacts the overall connection with their spouses.

I believe it’s time to normalise the use of faith based sexperts within our church communities, bridging the Christian and scientific aspects of sex. These experts can provide deeper understanding, help navigate complexities, and positively impact marriages and communities.

Christian Experts in sexual intimacy are rare in the UK, but their presence is desperately needed. If you’re up to the task of becoming a sexpert, you’ll certainly be busy! In the meantime, leveraging the expertise of Christian counsellors can also be incredibly helpful. 

For any help in this area please contact the Association of Christian Counsellors: https://www.acc-uk.org/