Questions about gender and sexuality?

Ashleigh grew up going to church and confidently called herself a Christian from a young age, but she became increasingly aware that something was missing. “I could see a depth of relationship with Jesus in the people around me. Sometimes I would experience this intimacy for myself, but I wasn’t living it. I knew a lot, but it wasn’t so personal.” 

This awareness of God tenderly summoning her into a deeper relationship grew through Ashleigh’s teenage years. “The overarching question was: if all I know about God is true, then am I going to surrender to him?” It was a broad question, but Ashleigh began asking it at a time when she realised she was in love with one of her female friends. God’s invitation to intimacy became enmeshed with questions about sexuality.

Falling in love 

“It was such a joyous moment when we realised our feelings were mutual,” Ashleigh says. “At that point it didn’t occur to me to give it a label – and it felt good to be responding to it.” 

Ashleigh and her girlfriend didn’t want the inevitable comments and scrutiny that would come from everyone knowing about their relationship, so they kept it private. “It wasn’t that I was particularly worried about how the world was going to respond to me, I just didn’t want anyone else’s opinions,” she explains. “I think I would have felt the same even if I’d been in a straight relationship.” But in retrospect, Ashleigh wonders if she didn’t want to tell people at church for fear of what they might have said. “I wasn’t worried that they would reject me, but I really didn’t want to hear what the Bible had to say…It didn’t take long for the elation to fade and reality to set it.” 

An ongoing cycle

Despite only having a rudimentary understanding of what the Bible says about homosexuality in her teens, Ashleigh knew enough to keep circling back round to the conclusion that the relationship she was in wasn’t right for a follower of Jesus. Aware she needed to make a choice, she broke up with her girlfriend. “But I was furious,” Ashleigh explains. “I remember singing that old Vineyard song, ‘Surrender’ one Sunday in church after we’d broken up – ‘I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within / I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King’ – and felt like God was asking too much of me.” Wrestling with surrender, Ashleigh got back together with her girlfriend, commencing a cycle of ending and reinstating the relationship that went on for three years. 

Wrestle with God, don’t let shame or anger hold you back

It wasn’t until she was at university that Ashleigh felt the need to don a label – of sorts. Sitting with new friends, chatting about relationships, she told them about her girlfriend. “I needed a shorthand to explain myself, so I picked bisexual.” 

Ashleigh had never felt that her sexuality was a significant part of her identity; simply a feeling, certainly not something to feel proud or ashamed of. “I didn’t feel that people around me were asking me to define myself (that conversation has certainly shifted for young people today). I’m just me and I have certain feelings, and I happen to be in love with this woman or find that man attractive.”

Choosing obedience

Ashleigh continued to wrestle with God, convinced of what the Bible said, but struggling to reconcile it with her feelings. It was a slow and painful process, but one she could not walk away from. “God was drawing me to himself. The foundation that was laid when I was growing up – an assurance of the goodness of God and the authority of his word – was strong enough to hold me through my wrestling.”

Ashleigh moved from feeling angry to baffled, then on to a growing acceptance, resigning herself to what she knew to be true: “I got to a point where I was willing to obey without understanding…Willing to say to God, ‘I’m going to trust you because I believe who you say you are, and I know you are good and that you’re smarter than me so I’ll follow you and live with the not knowing.’”

Initially Ashleigh’s obedience was through gritted teeth. Having ended her relationship, she was aware she was also giving up the possibilities of other relationships in the future. “I knew he was worth following and giving up everything for, but it was a painful letting go. I prayed that he would show me the logic I’d not yet seen.” 

Overarching gratitude

Ashleigh has since discovered the goodness of what God has to say about sex, sexuality and marriage. “I continually come back to scripture and I am convinced again and again,” she shares. “I don’t always like what I read, and yet I’m still convinced. I find this quite compelling. I would be more inclined to go for a worldview or an explanation that feels nice to me, not something that requires such surrender. But what God says about sexuality is good news, even for me.”

Ashleigh’s predominant emotion now is gratitude. She quotes Paul in Philippians 3:8: “I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” She acknowledges that it can still be a struggle at times, especially if she has feelings for a particular person, but ultimately she knows she’s gained infinitely more than she’s sacrificed. “The future hope we have – a future union with Jesus – is so much better than anything else.” 

Not afraid of our questions  

Ashleigh acknowledges that sexuality is an especially significant issue for young people today. “Teens are talking about sexuality at school and with their friends. If they come to church and nothing is said, then they’re hearing that this is a space where they can’t talk about some of the biggest and most significant things going on for them.”

Ashleigh has been involved in creating a new youth series, Kaleidoscope, which gives young people the space to explore sexuality, gender and faith in an honest, safe and constructive way. She encourages anyone wondering about their sexuality to wrestle with God, to ask questions and acknowledge honest emotions, but to do it with him. “Don’t let shame or anger hold you back. He’s not scared of our emotions and experiences. He’s not afraid of our questions and has good things to say. Sometimes he just wants to sit with you when you cry too…I pray Kaleidoscope will be a place where young people can hear the good news it took me a bit longer to discover.”

Find out more about Living Out and Kaleidoscope at: livingout.org

Words by Jane Knoop.