As we look to Father’s Day, Hannah Wickens comments that if a father does not fulfil his role in caring for his daughter: ‘her core sense of self slowly unravels and self-preservation jostles to the fore, often culminating in defensive behaviour where trust is elusive.’
One of my earliest memories is falling asleep listening to the melodic vibrations of our grand piano as my father played ‘Ballade pour Adeline’, a piece composed by Paul de Senneville for his new-born daughter. This musical ensemble kindled a passion for piano, even though I don’t recall playing alongside my father. Such is the influence of a father upon his daughter.
TV presenter Claudia Winkleman recently featured in My National Gallery, a composition of reminiscences commemorating 200 years of its existence. Claudia recalls her father instilling within her a love of art, as they frequented the gallery together, spending almost an hour attentively focused on a single painting.
If a father is unable to fulfil this role, a daughter’s core sense of self slowly unravels and self-preservation jostles to the fore
Our three daughters are fortunate to have a father who is intentional about taking them on mini ‘dates’ each month. This idea was propagated by American fathers who twirl their daughters in pretty prom dresses at their highly acclaimed school dances.
My own autocratic father, who believed children to be more of a hindrance than a benefit (despite having five of us), would have thought it a preposterous waste of time to initiate any activity with me. His apparent rejection created a wounded heart that fought trust; this was partially restored through working for Christian men who revealed the protective character of God to me.
Fathers are instrumental in shaping not only a self-portrait for their daughter but also a sense of protection
Fathers are instrumental in shaping not only a self-portrait for their daughter but also a sense of protection, wrestling playfully within safe limits, establishing a healthy self-esteem alongside an understanding of boundaries. When opposition arises, a father can defend, a trait most keenly observed within the animal kingdom where a lion’s ferocious protection of his cubs makes any adversary quake. John Eldridge in his book Wild at Heart crafts a narrative that depicts a taming of this innate masculine attribute to protect in a way that nurtures a daughter’s heart.
If a father is unable to fulfil this role, a daughter’s core sense of self slowly unravels and self-preservation jostles to the fore, often culminating in defensive behaviour where trust is elusive. We all have a requisite need for love and protection, especially in our formative years, and if these desires are unfulfilled, they can become sexualised as we start to mature, which may result in promiscuous behaviour.
The human heart is on a perpetual quest to know love and utters a desperate plea to be reassured that it’s worthy of love. Cortisol levels increase when anxiety replaces a sense of safety if love is amiss, and consequently, inflammatory processes intervene in a frantic bid to dampen the stress response which may conclude with a plethora of physiological aliments. Despite these intrinsic alterations, hope is restored when solace is discovered in relationship with a benevolent man.
Heidi author Johanna Spyri portrays the reciprocal healing nature of Heidi’s relationship with her grandfather where, within the landscape of the Swiss Alps, the story unfolds of an orphan spirit rectified in synchronicity with a cantankerous grandfather’s softened heart. Although fictitious, it reflects truth for many fatherless daughters.
Read more on father and daughter relationships
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What I learned from my vicar Dad about the practical side of preparing for death
‘I was abused and I had to forgive my father for what he had done to me’
God created the family dynamic as a tangible representation of his fatherly love for us; so, when a rift occurs in human terms, our relationship with him can be jeopardised as we may inadvertently relate to him in a similar way. For many years I perceived God as distant, disinterested and a disciplinarian. I had subconsciously erected a barrier that prevented me from receiving his love.
But God is love and he is constantly pursuing us. His love is pure, relentless, and unconditional. By rewiring neurological pathways in our brains, through constant repetition of truth found in his word about who he is and his heart for us, we can change any faulty patterns or frameworks as we choose to cling to his truth. That is where deep healing resides.
In younger years, a perception of an infallible father acts as psychological protection. But any lack in childhood is reflected in present heartache, often perceived in romantic liaisons. It’s never too late to embark on an inner healing journey.
Boundless possibilities exist on the other side of connection and especially so in pursuit of intimacy with our Heavenly Father. Hope in him is never disappointed and he gives us strength to forgive any shortcomings in our earthly fathers so that we can embrace freedom in his perfect love.
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