Anna Fothergill gives a raw and honest account of what is feels like to be a single Christian woman, and gives some hope for those in the same position.
Singleness. For some, the very word sends a pang of disappointment through their core. Others wear it like a badge of honour and there is no doubt that on average people are pairing up later and later.
And when it comes to singleness and Christianity, historically the church has done a woeful job of supporting singles as the world has increasingly celebrated remaining single, with average marriage age now at 31, compared to 23 in 1970. Worldwide there are various days dedicated to single people, all usually falling on the 11th of some month. In the US, singles get the whole last week of September, with National Singles Day as the crowning opportunity to recognise that singleness is not a condition to be cured.
As a singleton, I appreciate the efforts being made to break down stigmas around the uncoupled.
As a singleton, I appreciate the efforts being made to break down stigmas around the uncoupled. Beyond university, the life events that society and the church celebrate, namely marriages, births, and anniversaries are denied to single people. National Singles Day is certainly better than the unofficial Single Awareness Day, which happens on February 15th. While I’m sure it’s a rebellion against Valentine’s Day, it does end up with the unfortunate acronym of SAD.
The thing is, despite the push towards better marketing for singles, I secretly think a lot of singles are sad and weary of their status, though they might loathe to admit it. We have to defend it, rebrand it, and smile through otherwise we are somehow losing.
We can hear the rhetoric over and over, well-intended platitudes that a season of singleness is a unique thing, that there are so many advantages to being single and don’t you worry, there is no shame in it!
Can I admit something? I know all that and I am still sad.
Can I admit something? I know all that and I am still sad. Sad at the lack of options, sad that the love I have been praying about for years has not come along yet. Sad that a deep heart’s desire, a Godly desire for marriage and a life partner has not happened yet. Part of that sadness is not just about having a husband, but the lack of it means I cannot yet have the other deep desire of my heart; children.
Being single means whole swaths of dreams are not being fulfilled. And for someone who was ready to be a wife, lover and mother at age 15, that is a crushing reality to contend with. I am reaching that age where it seems all my friends are getting engaged, married, and having babies, as I remain firmly here in the dying population of Singles Village.
I can already hear the well-meaning voices of faithful friends (and my mother) that God has got it all in hand and that I can trust him. Most of the time, I trust him and enjoy the gift of my single life, believing that is a gift with an expiry date. I have been free to follow other dreams without having to take into consideration the responsibilities of another. I have grown in my faith and my self-awareness in ways I hope will make me a better future partner. Yet there are moments, when I am sad not to have experienced the great things in life with someone by my side.
Read more on singleness
Twenty years after being widowed - I still felt married, until I heard a sermon on singleness
What can we do on those days when the singleness millstone round the neck than a diamond ring on the finger? I am sure you have heard all the usual helpful tips. Invest in friendships, get involved in clubs but I would like to offer another. Be raw and honest with God. As David did, pour out those unedited emotions and dissatisfaction that your desire has not been met yet. Acknowledge what Proverbs 13:12 tells us, that “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Thankfully the proverb doesn’t end there but tells us that “a longing fulfilled is the tree of life.” God sees that longing and as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He makes all things beautiful in it’s time.”
Bring it all before him who knows all desires of our hearts. The weaning hope and the longing. I promise, whether you are revelling in National Singles Day, or raving against it, both are opportunities to draw near to the one who loves you most; Jesus.
2 Readers' comments