There was polygamy in the Bible and now polyamory is on the rise among Millenials. What should Christians do?

It had all been going so well. It is so rare nowadays to meet someone in real life with whom you have a genuine connection. But that night at some fun downtown bar, I was experiencing the delightful flutter of excitement chatting to the unquestionably cute (and supposed Christian!) Patrick*. The banter was off the charts, he had many well-thought-out opinions and just as I was certain this was the start of something noteworthy, he confessed. “Just so you know, before this goes any further, I am actually in a polyamorous, open relationship.”

A loud whump whump sound played in my head as all romantic potential disappeared.

 Polymerous, monogamish and relationship anarchy are just some of the types of relationship styles I could pick from

This was not my first encounter with polyamory and I doubt it will be my last. The practice of polyamory ‘ethical non-monogamy’ has been growing for years among millennials to the point where it is now part and parcel of dating discussion and popular culture. As if being a single Christian woman wasn’t tough enough, I now have to navigate the complexities of this change to the whole structure of relationships. It’s no longer about just getting into a relationship, you have to determine what kind of relationship you want to be in. Polymerous, monogamish and relationship anarchy are just some of the types of relationship styles I could pick from, all falling under the broader term of ‘ethical non-monogamy’ - the idea that you can have multiple partners as long as there is honesty and consent from all involved.

Effectively, the shift away from Judeo-Christian values and subsequent breakdown in sexual ethics has now landed the average singleton in the position of forming an opinion on this topic. And since it is becoming more prevalent and openly practised among all age groups, I would argue that Christians need to have a robust understanding of not only what the Bible says but also what polyamory is.

Admittedly, the characteristics of poly relationships are highly appealing. It’s not simply about having multiple sexual partners but forming deep, trusting partnerships with people who meet emotional and physical needs.

Before shutting down any discussion with a knee-jerk Christian reaction of “It’s a sin”, I probed polyamorous Patrick about what exactly he meant by his relationship identification. Admittedly, the characteristics of poly relationships are highly appealing. It’s not simply about having multiple sexual partners but forming deep, trusting partnerships with people who meet emotional and physical needs. The core of polyamory is a commitment to open and honest communication, consent and ensuring the needs and boundaries of everyone involved are met, serenely recognising that we are diverse creatures and one person can’t satisfy all our needs. On the surface, it all sounds wonderfully virtuous, perhaps even ethical in its celebration of honesty, consent and regard for others.

Patrick also very unhelpfully pointed out, that polygamy appears throughout the Bible, practised by many heroes of the Old Testament. Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon; all of these key figures had multiple wives, not to mention concubines. At first glance, God never appears to outrightly condone polygamy but on sincere examination, we quickly see consequences of polygamy are always negative. Abraham mistakenly tried to fulfil God’s plan with Hagar, David became a murderer in order to marry Bathsheba and Solomon was ultimately led into idolatry by his 700 wives. God explicitly states His design for love relationships in Genesis 2:22-24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Though many throughout the Old Testament failed to live up to this standard, by the time Jesus was born, polygamy was no longer practised amongst the Jews, as progressive revelation exposed polygamy as a sin. Jesus even reemphasised God’s intention for marriage and partnerships in Mark 10:6-9 “ ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

We can clearly see that God’s original design was for one partner in a covenant relationship. Though the patriarchs might have strayed from this original plan for marriage, human error doesn’t negate the sovereignty of God’s command. Just because polygamy is described in the Old Testament, does not mean it is a prescriptive value of how to live a Godly life.

The same applies to this concept of ‘ethical non-monogamy’. Just because secular culture has slapped the word ‘ethical’ in front of something, does not somehow make it morally okay. What is ethical by human standards is often not ethical by God’s standards. Monogamy, deep commitment and trust in one single partner is God’s holy intention for human relationships and He is the only one with absolute authority to dictate ethics

From all I have researched about polyamory, I have to say I am impressed with their work ethic. Communicating, being emotionally vulnerable and understanding is hard to do well with one person, let alone multiple. If all human relationships were treated with the same commitment to communication that ethical non-monogamists value, I reckon there would be far fewer broken hearts out there.

But merely practising these values does not justify us being the architects of our own sexual ethics. At the end of the day God’s perfect design intended for us to go deep with one, not wide with many.

*names changed.