‘The most unexpected discovery I’ve made about faith after ten years of sobriety’

It’s been a decade since I last drank alcohol or took any drugs. That’s ten whole years alcohol and beer-fear free. My story is much like many other addict’s, one of despair and desperation followed by the slow, clawing climb to freedom – a journey that was heavily influenced by my new relationship with Jesus.

I’ve learned many things over the years; that I’m not the terrible, unlovable person I thought. That shot glasses can be used as egg cups when they’re no longer needed for their primary purpose. And that the biggest challenge to a sober person on a dancefloor is where to put their arms.

As an addict, I used substances to distract myself and bury deep the feelings of pain and inadequacy that plagued me.

But my biggest lesson is that (this side of heaven) I will never achieve perfect, consistent happiness… and that’s OK. As an addict, I used substances to distract myself and bury deep the feelings of pain and inadequacy that plagued me.

I thought everyone must find living unbearable and overwhelming and I wondered what device others employed to help them through each day. I pitied people who didn’t know about the advantageous and preoccupying qualities of cocaine.

I was terrified when I decided to give up drinking and drugging, that it would be like someone kicking my crutches out from under me. I knew I couldn’t be happy, but then I would have lost my way of chemically simulating the feeling of it for brief periods.

Jesus doesn’t promise me happiness. What he promises is life in all its fulness.

I now know better. I now know that life isn’t supposed to be consistently happy. Jesus doesn’t promise me happiness. What he promises is life in all its fulness. Including the sadness, nostalgia, tiredness, joy, love, awe, fear and occasional anger.

This weekend I went back to the church that I first walked into to as an addict. It was the church that discipled me to freedom and helped me connect with God. This wasn’t a happy occasion. I felt joy but I also felt pain. I felt an ache for the person I was then and the choices I had made.

My heart was pulled in all directions as I stood back on the stage where I first gave my testimony and stood in the building where I was baptised. I felt whole, but not happy.

These days, with the help of Jesus and sobriety, I can accept life on life’s terms. I no longer try and make it what I want it to be – the perfect haven of happiness – and then despair when it doesn’t live up to my expectations.

I know that many of the most profound, moving and spiritual moments in my life will not include happiness. But I don’t want to hide away from them anymore.

The beauty of experiencing each part of life, is what it means to be human. I want to rest in it, learn from it, pray through it and support others as they navigate it too. Jesus has given me the resilience not to be overcome by waves of emotion but to soak in them and enjoy them as part of the richness of my life.

And if giving up alcohol and drugs was the price I had to pay for all that, it was a bargain.