Broken Rites is an interdenominational group offering mutual support and information to divorced and separated spouses and partners of clergy and recognised ministers. Julie Robinson shares how the group helped her in her time of need.
Over the years we’ve branded Broken Rites as the group that none of would have chosen to join! As membership secretary I usually start welcome emails “We’re glad that you’ve found us but wish you hadn’t needed to.”
My own journey into qualifying for membership started, realistically, about a year into the marriage and took a painful 12 years or more to reach its conclusion. There was no big dramatic story – no adultery or violence unlike for some of my peers. Just years of toxicity which became untenable.
For some it may come as a shock to know that clergy divorce is even a thing.
For some it may come as a shock to know that clergy divorce is even a thing. But in Broken Rites we know and understand that it is a reality. Our members have estimated, based on the number of enquiries to join our group, that at least one in five clergy marriages fail.
READ MORE: This is what Jesus said about marriage and divorce
So why do we feel the need for a peer support group? When you divorce from a minister the emotional trauma or hurt are just the same, but it brings with it additional challenges. My own experience is not different to that of many of my peers. As the non-minister party, where you’re in stipendiary ministry, housing is one of the biggest issues. I was given three months’ notice to move out of the vicarage even though I had a 12-year-old daughter who I needed to provide a roof over the head of as she clearly couldn’t remain with her father.
But for many, it’s the issue of loss of identity and rejection from the community that they have lived and served in that is a bitter blow.
But for many, it’s the issue of loss of identity and rejection from the community that they have lived and served in that is a bitter blow. Having often been at the center of the Church community, providing hospitality, pastoral support and the ubiquitous cake for the Church fete we are often set adrift and cast out of the community. That may seem dramatic and almost medieval, but for many of us it was a very painful reality.
Whilst trying to keep myself together emotionally, provide stability for my daughter and purchase a house alongside holding down a full-time job I was informed that a statement would be read out in the parish church, and I was requested NOT to be present. Despite requesting a copy of the statement, it was not provided, and, to this day, I have no idea what was said about me and the demise of my marriage. Nobody from the parish told me – because nobody came near the vicarage in my remaining months there. I would like to believe it was out of respect for my privacy!
READ MORE: Here are three factors to consider if you feel tempted by January’s ‘Divorce Day’
But through the darkness there was a shining light – Broken Rites. Like so many of our nearly 200 members I stumbled across Broken Rites by happenstance or God-incidence. On Christmas Eve I applied to join Broken Rites expecting to wait until the New Year for someone to reply. But the same day, having completed the background checks that we do, our fabulous social media lady, Kath, messaged me back to ask if I was ok and to say that she was admitting me to the group on Facebook. That evening I sat on my sofa scrolling through member posts gob-smacked. Here were people telling my story. I had found my tribe! Here were people who wanted to walk with me and who understood what I was going through – who shared my frustration and upset.
READ MORE: Moving on from divorce as a Christian woman
We’re not professional experts in counselling, housing, financial advice, pension matters etc. But we are there for each other and when someone needs advice there is someone who already has the T-shirt and can signpost to the relevant organizations if necessary.
Above all else, within Broken Rites we are journeying together and finding a shared way to navigate the strange and complex landscape of ministry divorce. The friendships that we forge are based on shared experience and implicit trust. As we walk together, we try to share our stories and make our voice heard in an attempt to persuade Church authorities that there is a real issue here that is not being dealt with (in the main) in a pastorally sensitive way but often only adding to the hurt.
Personally, I thank God for the day that I found Broken Rites.
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