No Geri, you don’t have to “stand by your man”

The gossip column headlines right now allude to Geri Horner loyally standing by her man as he is accused of sending inappropriate whatsapp messages to a female employee. Many of us may naturally assume that this is the position any good Christian woman should take.

I would argue that it depends on whether you’re basing your marriage on the Bible or the music of Tammy Wynette.

Ephesians 5:21 exalts married couples to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” . We are called to love one another as we love Jesus and as Jesus loves us. 1 Corinthians 13 is almost universally read during the marriage service, why?

When our husbands make vows to love us they are promising to treat us with patience and kindness, to not be rude, disrespectful, arrogant, boastful, irritable or selfish.

Because it gives us a full explanation of what that love looks like;  the behaviours we can expect within our marriage. When our husbands make vows to love us they are promising to treat us with patience and kindness, to not be rude, disrespectful, arrogant, boastful, irritable or selfish. They are promising to be truthful, trustworthy, consistent to protect us from hurt and harm and to persevere with us as equals.

Of course, as wives we make the same promises to them. If our husbands are consistently breaking these promises then they have broken the marriage covenant.

As Christians we are taught to forgive, but forgiveness does not have to include reconciliation, and it certainly shouldn’t involve putting ourselves in a position where we can be hurt over and over again.

If a man has been accused of something that his wife believes him to be innocent of, then of course she should persevere with him.

Love does pull together and persevere through tough times, it bears one another’s burdens but it does not become a doormat and it certainly does not ignore our spouses unacceptable behaviour. If a man has been accused of something that his wife believes him to be innocent of, then of course she should persevere with him.

However, what if it’s clear that whilst he might not have technically broken a rule, he still hasn’t been entirely faithful? What should a Christian woman do in such a scenario?

Perhaps the real question we should be asking is what a Christian woman should expect her husband to do in such a scenario? Jesus taught men that if they cannot control their wandering eyes they should gouge them out, if they cannot control their wandering hands they should cut them off (Matthew 18:9) He told men to take responsibility for their own sin.

If a husband is unfaithful in any way then the responsibility lies with him, if he is truly repentant, he will not need his wife to set ground rules, he will be busy (metaphorically) gouging out his own eye. Should we feel the need to set rules for our husbands it is a sign that our marriage lacks trust.

Marriages can recover from infidelity if the guilty party is repentant. Although we are not obligated to, we can choose to stand by repentant husbands, but in doing so we must not take on the responsibility of managing their sin. However, standing by an unrepentant husband is foolish, not only does it open us up to be hurt over and over again, but in failing to hold our husband accountable for his sin we fail to offer him the opportunity for repentance, we leave him in his sinful state and let him believe it’s okay.

Whilst this may seem “nice” and “forgiving” and “loyal” really the more difficult task of walking away can sometimes be the most loving way to behave.