A few weeks after having a baby, Shakira Peronet said to her husband ‘please remind me to not give advice to new mothers unless they’ve asked for it’. She explains what we can do to support them instead.
Less than three months ago I became a mother and as for many mothers this new chapter has been a whirlwind of wondering if I’m doing it right, figuring out different cries, wanting to go back to sleep and then forgetting all the challenges as soon as I see my baby smile or look at me lovingly while feeding.
Motherhood is vulnerable. This tiny little person is dependent on you for everything emotional, physical, and spiritual. It’s a lot! Most of the time all I have desired from people are a few words of affirmation and a cooked meal.
Motherhood is vulnerable. This tiny little person is dependent on you for everything emotional, physical, and spiritual. It’s a lot!
Yet quickly I realised many Christian mothers want to give more than a hug or a kind word… many seem compelled to give advice, to share stories of what they did for their children and why it was an excellent decision and why you should do the same.
I began praying more whenever Christian women asked to come and see my baby. On the days I didn’t feel like I had a forehead of flint, I simply said no to the request to visit me as I decided to prioritise my peace and mental health and not go through another lap of what felt like feedback and judgement on me or my infants sleep.
They were far enough away from the long nights and insecure thoughts to provide mini lectures when I what I really needed was someone to make me a cup of tea.
It saddened me that the place I felt the least accepted or loved, was from my mature sisters in Christ, the motherhood veterans who had been wearing the mother badge for ages and spoke with evident knowledge but little compassion. They were far enough away from the long nights and insecure thoughts to provide mini lectures when I what I really needed was someone to make me a cup of tea.
After a few weeks of motherhood I said to my husband ‘please remind me to not give advice to new mothers unless they’ve asked for it’.
Here are five scriptures that remind me why …
1 Thessalonians 5:14-18. Mum’s (like all people) need different things, when I look at this list I’m confident that a mother is far more likely to feel disheartened or weak than she is idle, and so what does she need? Encouragement and help.
Galatians 6:12. Before giving advice, I find this a great litmus test of my own heart. Am I prepared to carry this mothers burden? Or am I giving advice that I have no real concern for? Am I prepared to follow up till I see a change?
Proverbs 12:26. Before advising a mother, consider your relationship with her. Would you know if she was suffering from depression? Do you know if her child has any challenging health conditions? If this isn’t information you would be privy to, potentially you’re not the best person to advise this mother and that’s ok, you can still encourage her and you can still pray for her too.
Read more on motherhood
Hebrews 10:24. I believe that most advice given is well meaning and comes from a place of ‘let me share this with you so you can succeed’. There’s a heart to encourage. This scripture leads with ‘consideration’. Are they feeling lonely? Give them a call. Are they feeling short on time? Cook a meal. Are they missing alone time? Offer to babysit.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Build a mother up. Mothers should walk away from a conversation with you feeling encouraged to be the best mum they can be. Help them combat any feelings of inadequacy or fear.
To the veteran mothers, we love you, please guide us with tenderness. And to the new mothers - you’re the perfect person for your little one.
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