I was a cocaine-snorting model and singer who loved the occult until God gave me a Christmas miracle

Before the first Christmas vast spiritual darkness covered the earth. It had been 400 years since a prophet spoke the word of God. Malachi encouraged Israel to remember the law of Moses, the people were promised the coming of a new prophet, and then… four centuries of silence.

I was in the middle of a life-long spiritually opaque haze before my own Christmas miracle. A 20-something model, actress, singer-songwriter in NYC, I lived a life of mini skirts, high heels and long Ciara weaves; cigarettes for brunch and casting-calls for cardio. In the midst of a residency with my Indy cover band in Williamsburg, I couldn’t perform drunk, so I’d nurse a beer through the show, and run to the bathroom to snort lines of cocaine off my mirror compact. For a few hours I felt on top of the world. But people on top of the world don’t need drugs to celebrate. Those whose hearts are suffocated by darkness do.

I didn’t know I was in darkness until my own private prophet spoke light into my life.

I didn’t know I was in darkness until my own private prophet spoke light into my life. He’s now my husband. Then, he was just a tall, charming, ginger-bearded Scot who, true to his countrymen, left a room laughing. When we met he thought I was a Christian because I was so nice. He didn’t realize I was just a professional happy-looking person. I’m sure he heard a smile in my voice the first night we talked on the phone, but silently tears streamed. I sat in my 180 sq ft Clinton Hill flat, on a bed up a ladder, walls plastered with tarot charts, palm readings, photo spreads of Courtney Love and Bjork. Occult books lined the shelves snaking up my walls. I felt sure if this young man knew me, he’d run 1,000 miles in the opposite direction. That feeling was conviction of sin. Feeling exposed, my worldly mind knew to cover and hide my sin and my shame; neuroscience might agree this has been etched into the brains of men since the Garden of Eden. 

The path to peace was just beyond me, almost within reach. Weeks progressed and my eternally-minded Romeo started chatting to me about Jesus. Never stilted or unnatural, he said just enough to make me wonder about all I never knew. I wanted him to know me; he was being used of God that I might know him.

My songs weren’t hungry for a hottie. They were yearning for relationship with the God Man, Jesus.

I remember lyrics of songs I’d written. In a eureka moment I realized I’d been pouring my heart out for relationship all along. My songs weren’t hungry for a hottie. They were yearning for relationship with the God Man, Jesus; for God and FROM God. He offered me the life raft my soul cried for and knew I needed. This rescue device was crafted specifically for me, using my personal heart language in the shape of love and song.

Its now 13 years from the day I met my husband and became a Christian. It’s hard to put to words the magnitude. I could say Jesus came into my heart and changed my life forever. “I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see!” How does one explain her inner and outer existence changing with a few blinks of a prayer? The maker of heaven and earth, stepped down from his throne above to palpably transform one single soiled life. I call this my own personal Christmas….

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.