He’s just not that into you: the advice I wish someone had given me when I was younger

As a Christian woman it is easy to fall into the same mistake than many other women over the years have fallen into - pining and praying for a man who is just not that into you. I’ve done it, and you probably have too (if not it’s likely your best friend has).

I think it might be harder for us as Christian women, because we are people of hope. You are not sure if he is into you – you can pray! "Lord open his eyes! Lord make him pursue me!" This hope can keep us attached to the wrong person for too long. And as the statistics apparently are not in our favour, it is hard to let go of a good one, even if he isn’t giving you what you deserve.

I think it might be harder for us as Christian women, because we are people of hope.

I don’t know when I first read He’s just not that into you: The No-excuses Truth to Understanding Guys (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, Dec 2006), but let me tell you, it was not soon enough. The book is not the Bible, it is far from a Christian book, but it made me realise we as women have been lying to ourselves and to our closest friends and sisters, all in the name of hope.

The story was made into a film in 2009 with an all star cast (including Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Anniston) and I wonder how many scores of eyes it opened with the film’s wider audience. My main takeaway from the premise was that nine times out of ten, if a guy likes you, he will let you know. He will pursue, even if he is a shy guy. That boy you like, with his confusing signs – sometimes he seems into you, sometimes you are sure he is not – is not that into you – whatever your well-meaning friends may say.  Don’t hold out hope, live your life.

Here are some helpful red flags that he is not that into you:

1. You have to contact him first for any communication / you are always making the plans to meet. If he likes you he will contact you, even if he is busy!
2. He blows hot and cold. It is probable he is more interested when he is feeling lonely, and likes your attention. When he is feeling better he backs off. This is an emotional roller-coaster, and will keep you addicted to your phone waiting for him to message.
3. He breadcrumbs you. Similar to the above, bread crumbing is when a person doesn’t really seem to be interested in you, but still wants to have someone around for moments when they need company. They want someone on the back burner.
4. You feel insecure around him as he shows interest in and flirts with other women.

Wendy Griffith in her book You Are a Prize to Be Won felt God show her she was accepting breadcrumbs from her love interest, and that she was worth so much more. She wrote her book about the journey God took her in trusting and believing he had the best for her. A few years after it’s publication she met and was pursued by the man who is now her husband.

It is very hard to let go of boys we are interested in, if there is no-one else on the horizon. This is where trust and faith comes in. What we don’t realise is that we are wasting time and heart-ache on men who are showing all the signs of not being interested, if only we would read the signs.

The good news is we don’t have to give up hope. If God says no, it is because he has got something better.

As Christians we are told to be "wise as serpents and innocent as doves" Matthew 10:16, so let us use some wisdom in dating. When we fall for the guy who is just not that into us, we can try and control and manipulate to keep them interested. But if you start a relationship through control and manipulation, you will have to keep him through control and manipulation.

The good news is we don’t have to give up hope. If God says no, it is because he has got something better. So if you are holding on to a man that deep down, you know is not that into you, this is your sign to let go, and move on. You never know who is just around the corner.