Here’s how to celebrate Mother’s Day if you’re struggling with heartbreak from baby loss

No woman should endure the trying journey of conceiving and facing baby loss alone. Having walked in those shoes, I penned my first book – Always a Mum: How I Survived My Baby Loss to support women in similar circumstances. It also serves as a guiding light for those connected to these women, offering insights on how to be there for them.

If you have treaded this challenging path, I am sending you a virtual embrace and heartfelt prayers for eventual smiles.

My loss experience

After sixteen months of infertility and a low-risk pregnancy, I couldn’t wait to become a mum. However, during labour, the heart-wrenching news struck—no heartbeat. On 1st May, 2006, our precious son, Isaac, was stillborn. The days that followed were filled with questions, the most prominent being, ”Why me?” I felt we did not deserve this. Despite my fragility post-delivery, I paused for prayer and fasting, seeking answers. Though not all questions were answered, the acquired understanding brought peace.

Despite my fragility post-delivery, I paused for prayer and fasting, seeking answers. Though not all questions were answered, the acquired understanding brought peace.

This includes: all things will work together for my good (Romans 8:28), tragedy is not always because of sin, and my love for God should not dwindle even when things do not make sense.

Two scriptures encouraged me and became my solace:

Psalm 23:4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, you are close beside me.

Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Triggers, like the time of Isaac’s birth, invites to children’s birthday celebrations, and hearing the name, Isaac intensified the difficulty of my loss. On my journey, I received advice to ‘let go of the past and move on.’

Nevertheless, I viewed my son as an enduring chapter in my narrative, his handprints leaving an indelible mark on my future.

My greatest comfort lay in the firm belief that one day, we would be reunited with Isaac and his sister, Faith, who was born at twenty-three weeks on 13 February, 2007. We sadly bid her farewell the next day.

My greatest comfort lay in the firm belief that one day, we would be reunited with Isaac and his sister, Faith, who was born at twenty-three weeks on February 13, 2007.

However, I embraced life anew, ensuring my pain didn’t drown out God’s voice. This choice eased my trust in God, knowing He, who reassured me, is more than capable of fulfilling His promises. With renewed faith, I embarked on the journey again, adopting the mantra from author, Stephenie Meyer: ’When life provides a hundred reasons to cry, demonstrate that you possess a thousand reasons to smile.’

While I was waiting for my future children, I contemplated my identity as a mother after losing two babies. I also wondered if I qualified to celebrate Mother’s Day. Upon reflection, I recognised motherhood takes various forms—being a mother figure, possessing a nurturing heart, and embracing alternative paths to motherhood.

Hence, I decided to be happy on Mother’s Day and celebrate my future children and the lives I touched. In the waiting period, I praised God, found direction through prayer, and poured my life into others.

If the anticipation of Mother’s Day fills you with unease, here are some suggestions to help you navigate through it.

First and foremost, be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can, given the circumstances. Remember, you are inherently valuable as a cherished daughter of God. Consider indulging in self-care activities such as taking a leisurely walk, treating yourself to a spa day, diving into a good book, or enjoying your favourite movie.

Assess your support system. Identify those who can offer you comfort and understanding on this day. Communicate your needs to them and let them know how they can provide support.

Find solace in worship. Invite God into your moments of pain and seek solace through worship music, allowing it to uplift and strengthen your spirit.

Limit exposure to social media. If you anticipate that social media might exacerbate your feelings, consider taking a temporary break and dedicating your time to activities that bring you joy and peace.

Honour your baby. If you’ve experienced the loss of a baby, find ways to commemorate their memory. This could involve journaling your thoughts and emotions and reminiscing through photos and keepsakes.

Uncover more insights by exploring my book. Wherever you are on this journey, remember you are not alone, forsaken, or unloved. This path doesn’t require solitary travel; there are shoulders to lean on.

Two years back, I established The Waiting Room - a virtual haven for women grappling with the complexities of fertility and baby loss. Our monthly meetups serve as a sanctuary for open conversations, shared worship, collective prayer, and insights from inspiring guest speakers who’ve navigated similar paths.

A participant shared, “The community feels like home already. It’s reassuring and a reminder that I am not alone on this journey.” These sentiments capture the heart of The Waiting Room—offering comfort and connection to everyone who becomes a part of our community. You are warmly welcome to be a part of it.