GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Why do I feel doomed to unrequited love?

Dear Woman Alive

My history with men has been unrequited love. I am now in my 30s, and have been in love with two separate men over the last twelve years. I met them both at church, one from my uni church in Cambridge, the other from the church I went to in London. I led a student home group with the guy from Cambridge, and an Alpha group with the guy from my London church. I was good friends with both of them, and I hoped and prayed the Cambridge guy would decide he loved me, but I realised when he got engaged to someone else, he only ever cared for me like a sister. Both of these men treated me well, and didn’t lead me on. I just fell for them, as we got on so well, and they were both godly guys, and leaders in the church. (They were also the guys that all the girls liked, which was annoying!)

How do I get out of the trap of unrequited love? My brother said I am going for men out of my league, which really annoyed me, as I translated it as, ‘you are not pretty enough for them’. Maybe it is true? Please give me some hope and guidance!

Dear Reader,

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find love – even when we have the creator of the universe on our side. I’m sorry to read you’ve spent your 20s and some of your 30s experiencing unrequited love. I’m glad you’ve decided to stop, reflect and get out of the trap of one-sided love as it’s not good for you and is not God’s best for you either. You are not doomed to spend your life in relationships that are not reciprocated

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find love – even when we have the creator of the universe on our side.

Before I continue I must state, whilst your brother was being brutally honest with his comment ‘you’re going for men out of your league’, I don’t think he was saying you weren’t pretty enough – maybe he was indicating that you still have a lot to learn about relationships.

One good thing I have noted from your message is that you are actively practising your faith and using your gifts to be a blessing to the church and others. From this I deduce that you are spiritually mature. Where you are lacking is in your understanding of relationships with the opposite sex which is not uncommon amongst Christians.

As you are now realising, healthy relationships are a two-way thing, with both parties in agreement that they want to be together. Usually when a man is interested in a woman, especially one that he’d like to marry, he makes it very clear with his actions and words and makes time for her in his life. You say that the men you loved did not lead you on so why did you think there was a chance of a relationship with them? That’s a question you need to answer for yourself.

Moving forward it’s important to find out and learn what a healthy Christian relationship looks like.

Moving forward it’s important to find out and learn what a healthy Christian relationship looks like. It will also be worthwhile assessing your confidence level when it comes to men and asking yourself if you think men find you attractive. Sometimes how we feel about ourselves and level of attractiveness shows up in our approach to relationships and the kind of men we are attracted to.

I’m also curious to know if, whilst you were in love with these two men, were there other guys showing you interest that you dismissed? Sometimes it’s so easy to focus on the men we want to be with and ignore men God puts right under our nose who would make a great partner for us. And what was the Holy Spirit saying to you during the times you were in love with these guys? The Lord is always speaking to us, about our lives, including our relationships.

Once you’ve undergone some self-reflection it’s worthwhile finding some wise person in your circle, maybe a minister, a compassionate married woman or a good friend who can share with some much-needed insight on men, relationships, and how to build ones that can lead to marriage. You will find such information useful in moving forward in having a successful relationship. And be mindful you may need to broaden your social circle to find the right man for you.

I would also encourage you to consider counselling as it can help you uncover unhelpful thought patterns or modes of behaviour that got you trapped in the cycle of unrequited love and help you get out of it. I know of a several women who underwent counselling because they were unsuccessful in love, and as a result of doing so found life partners and are now married.

You sound like a lovely woman and a great Christian. I hope you can take the necessary steps and in the process find the love you are looking for.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.