GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Where does this association between sexuality and shame come from?

Dear Reader,

What an interesting question. I have definitely had what I call "a long-time relationship with sexual shame" and most of this came from an understanding that my desire for sex was sinful. I initially understood shame to be something deep within me but have recently recognised that the shame came from knowing I fell short of an external expectation of purity. I had to learn, not to abandon the idea of sexual purity, but to have a healthy respect and understanding of sex for myself that came directly from God, free of feelings of shame or guilt.

Biblically, I would say our first exposure to this concept of shame is right at the beginning, in the story of Adam and Eve – although I’m not sure if the word shame was ever literally used. In eating fruit from the tree when they were expressly told not to, we read in Genesis chapter three: "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." Genesis 3:7.

I have definitely had what I call "a long-time relationship with sexual shame" that came from an understanding that my desire for sex was sinful.

Wikipedia describes shame as: "...an unpleasant self-conscious emotion often associated with negative self-evaluation; motivation to quit; and feelings of pain, exposure, distrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness." Next to this overwhelmingly depressing explanation is an image of an imagined “Eve” sculpted by François Auguste René Rodin, accompanied by the words: "Eve covers herself and lowers her head in shame in Rodin’s Eve After the Fall."

I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard church teachings declare that “eating fruit from the tree” is a PG-friendly cover up for sex. Through Western eyes, the fact that they were both naked adds weight to this theology and so we start to make this connection in our minds about what exactly Adam and Eve were doing that was so bad.

In Matthew 5, we read of the responsibility of men when it comes to the commandment around adultery: "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28.

However, I do think the supposed connection between shame and sexuality seems particularly pertinent to women. Adam throws her under the bus when God asks him how he knew he was naked (Genesis 3:9-10) and we see other references to women “caught in sin”, throughout the Bible (the woman at the well in John chapter 4, the woman caught in the act of adultery in John 8, the woman who lived a sinful life in John 7) often with no reference to the men with whom the alleged trysts took place. Clearly the idiom, ‘It takes two to tango’ had not yet caught on.

What I love about Adam and Eve's story is how God cared for them by clothing them. He did not let them stay in their “shame”. They were conscious of their “nakedness” and rather than send them away to deal with the consequences of their disobedience, The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. (Genesis 3:21) This is evidence of our Father’s gentle nature to care for us even when we might be feeling afraid or guilty or ashamed – including when it is self-induced.

We see other references to women “caught in sin”, throughout the Bible often with no reference to the men with whom the alleged trysts took place.

Ultimately though, sexuality itself is nothing to be ashamed of. I think we can all agree that God invented sex and we can equally agree that God is an incredible creator. What’s not to love? Song of Songs is the best known book of the Bible to find positive references to sex and intimacy and we can shine light on this shame by focusing on its antonyms; honour, favour, dignity.

We have this wonderful hope expressed in the words of Apostle Peter: "God the Father knew you and chose you long ago, and his Spirit has made you holy. As a result, you have obeyed him and have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ. May God give you more and more grace and peace." 1 Peter 1:2. These words reassure us of our right standing with God, shame-free, simply because of his son Jesus Christ. And this is the hope we can stand on.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email:womanalive@premier.org.uk