In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, Salomé Criddle responds to a reader who wants to know if it is ok to use sex toys in marriage.
Dear Woman Alive,
What is the purpose of sex toys in a relationship and would it be sinful for my husband and I to use them?
Dear Reader,
This is a great question and one that requires extensive discussion and exploration. After 11 years of marriage, I have come to the realisation that sex is a marathon, not a sprint. Couples learn together and work together to make their sexual experience an enjoyable one.
It might be helpful for me to provide key factors to take into consideration.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Fourteen years after marrying as a virgin, I have never had an orgasm
What Are Sex Toys?
When you think of sex toys, you might imagine strange, plastic objects that look more like a threat than a delight to our bodies. This assumption leads some people to reject the idea of sex toys without truly understanding what they are.
Sex toys are not just about pleasure - they can be used to improve sexual health and overcome sexual challenges. Whilst addressing this topic, I would like to also include sexual aids that support intimacy in various ways. For example:
• Lubricants (sensual sexual aids) help women experiencing vaginal dryness which can happen around the time of menopause.
• Tools that improve sexual health like Kegel balls, prostate massagers and vibrating pelvic trainers.
• Sensory aids that assist those with physical disabilities to experience intimacy.
• Other devices for couples that can enhance connection rather than replace intimacy.
My point? The scope of sex toys is wide. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of varieties, each serving different purposes and to condemn them all under an umbrella of doom and shame, could condemn married couples to unnecessary intimacy struggles.
God made sex pleasurable. If there is discomfort or difficulty, it’s okay to work through it. Don’t struggle in silence.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am single - what do I do with my sexual desires?
What Is the Purpose of Using Sex Toys in Your Marriage?
Before considering whether sex toys are appropriate, ask yourself:
• Is it enhancing intimacy or replacing it?
• Is it feeding an addiction or drawing me away from my spouse?
• Is it honouring God and our marriage?
Intention is everything.
If a sex toy brings in a third party (physically or mentally), takes your focus away from God, or fuels a dependency on pleasure outside of marital intimacy, then it may not be right for you.
However, if it is helping you and your spouse connect in a deeper, God-honouring way, then it may not automatically be sinful.
Sex toys (and sexual aids) aren’t for everyone. Speak with your partner - or even a professional if you’re unsure whether they align with your marriage. Do your research and also remember - it’s okay to change your mind.
READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: What’s the Christian response to sex toys?
What Does the Bible Say About Sex Toys?
The Bible doesn’t directly mention sex toys, but it provides principles that guide Christian marriages in intimacy. These include:
• Sexual intimacy within marriage (Genesis 2:24)
• Avoiding lustful thoughts and actions toward others outside of marriage (Matthew 5:28)
• Honouring God with how we use our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
• Mutual consent and love between spouses (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You and your husband must prayerfully consider whether sex toys align with these principles in their marriage.
Final Thoughts
Christian marriage is a journey, and sexual intimacy is a vital part of that journey. If sex toys help strengthen the bond between a husband and wife without dishonouring God, interfering with intimacy, or creating an unhealthy dependence, then they may not be inherently sinful.
Ultimately, the decision should be made with prayer, wisdom, and open communication between spouses.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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