In our fortnightly column ‘Great Sexpectations’ we answer your questions on sex, faith and intimacy. Drop us an email on womanalive@premier.org.uk and ask us anything. Here, Dr Kathrine McAleese answers a reader whose husband is being unfaithful.
Dear Woman Alive,
My husband and l have been married for two years now we have two kids and third one on the way. l found out early last year a week before our anniversary that he is cheating and found a sex video with his mistress. Because l love him l forgave him and moved on though it was hard. In July l found that l was pregnant and things changed until October when l found that he is still with that lady. He found her a job at his work place. l confronted my husband and he said the lady is threatening to post the video on social media. l don’t know if it’s true, but since October he doesn’t touch me, we are just like room mates and l feel I am going through the pregnancy alone. It’s so painful and my pregnancy has complications. I am expecting my baby next month. What should I do in this situation please help me.
Dear Reader,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. What a horrible thing to be going through when your pregnancy should be a time of such joy. I can hear your pain at the rejection and loneliness your husband’s treatment of you is causing, and I want to speak plainly to you. Know that it comes from a heart that cares for you and wants God’s best for you.
Firstly, this is not your shame to hold.
Firstly, this is not your shame to hold. I know that you may feel humiliated but this is your husband’s shame, not yours. Please seek out safe friends or family who can share this burden with you. You need support and people who will care for you, not least because your husband is not.
Your husband has broken his marriage vows, and continues to. His nonsense about the sex tape being a reason to continue his affair is selfish, callous and making you responsible for his bad behaviour. This is not God’s template for marriage. Husbands are called to love their wife as Christ loved the church and lay down their life for her (Eph 5:25). This is not how he is treating you.
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Since you are writing to me, I think you already know that this cannot go on. You need a safe, healthy environment for you and your children. If he is not willing to be a faithful husband, then I would like to believe that your church would take him in hand and enact steps of discipline designed at bringing him to repentance and supporting you to have a healthy home environment, whether he gets to be part of it or excludes himself from it by ongoing adultery and otherwise unrepentant behaviour. I don’t know if your church is a safe place to provide that, but if not, I also want to provide other resources that - assuming you’re in the UK - can either give you practical advice themselves, or signpost you to others.
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Firstly, your health visitor/ midwife appointments will no doubt already be in the diary. These people should be able to point you to local services who will help you navigate this practically as well as supporting your emotional and mental well-being. You must take care of your own well-being for the good of your children as well as yourself. This is not an option. We need you to be well, so take any and all support you can get.
Secondly, I also want to signpost you to Women’s Aid. That might sound like a strange one since you aren’t saying that he’s abusing you. However, they have lots of practical information and support for vulnerable women and you ARE vulnerable with two young children and another on the way.
Your husband has put you in a dreadful position by his own sinful actions.
Your husband has put you in a dreadful position by his own sinful actions. Continuing the affair and working with the woman are not the actions of a loving husband, and there is no biblical mandate for you to submit to someone who is abusing your love. He is showing no desire to change, and as such, you dear sister are going to have to be the one who chooses how to move forward. Apart from anything else, your children are watching and seeing what is ‘normal’ or acceptable behaviour in life and they’re learning from what they see in your home. This is not what you want for yourself, let alone for them, I am sure.
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This is desperately unfair on you, but you are not alone. Jesus has promised never to leave nor forsake you (Heb. 13:5). Remember that ‘The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit’ (Ps 34:18). Stand on his promises to be your refuge, your strength, your guide, the one who faithfully and tenderly cares for you. You are made in his image and precious in his sight.
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk
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