GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: My best friend is marrying my ex-boyfriend, how is that fair?

Dear Woman Alive,

My best friend is marrying my ex-boyfriend and I can’t be happy for her. My best friend and I are both 37 and have known each other literally since birth - our mums were in the same antenatal classes. When I was 30 I started dating someone, let’s call him “Chris”, after we met at a Christian music festival. I thought we were in love and would end up married but my friend, let’s call her, “Alice” always said he wasn’t good enough for me.

He broke up with me right before our year anniversary and I was heartbroken. Alice was a great support to me in that time and I cried on her shoulder many times in the months that followed. Fast forward to a few years ago, Alice moved to London and joined a big church with loads of guys (unlike the village church we went together growing up). She started dating straight away although due to the distance and work commitments I never met any of the guys she was dating. But she kept me in the loop about how it was going.

He broke up with me right before our year anniversary and I was heartbroken

A year ago she told me that she thought it was serious with one of them but she didn’t tell me much about him because ’she didn’t want to put any pressure on it’. Yesterday, she called me up out of the blue and said she was home for the weekend and wanted to take me out for coffee. I was so happy to see her but I was so shocked when she turned up with my ex-boyfriend and a huge engagement ring!

She told me they had kept their relationship from me because they didn’t want me to be upset about it but now that they were getting married it was obviously more serious. I wish I could say I had a Christian response but I felt so devastated and hurt and just ran out crying. We haven’t spoken since although Alice has called me loads and sent messages I’m currently ignoring. I really want to be happy for her but it just doesn’t seem fair. How can I get over this?

Dear Reader

I’m not often shocked by the questions we get sent in but this one had me a bit speechless. Not because I think anyone is necessarily in the wrong, however it does seem unfair on you, and were I in the same position I would most definitely be shouting, ‘God, why me??’

So first of all, I’m sorry you feel hard done by and that this has come out of the blue for you. Having said all that, I do want to ask, what makes this so hard? Is it that you want to be the one engaged to this guy? Do you think your friend is letting you down in some way by marrying him? Or by not telling you about him sooner? Because while I get that you might be feeling some way about the whole situation, you and this guy dated almost a decade ago, so it’s worth digging into exactly what is causing you to be so upset. To the point where you say you can’t be happy for your best friend.

It’s widely reported that the Church has a gender imbalance with more women than men and meditating on this can put unnecessary pressure on dating, which is already a potential rollercoaster to navigate for Christians in their 30s.

I also wonder if you’re single at the moment and if that is playing into some of that feeling of unfairness. It’s widely reported that the Church has a gender imbalance with more women than men. Meditating on this can put unnecessary pressure on dating, which is already a potential rollercoaster to navigate for Christians in their 30s.

And on that, one thing I learned when I was unhappily single is that you have to be careful about what you tune into. Trust that God knows your deepest desires and hears your prayers. Mark 11:24-25 might seem a hard thing to hold on to when you’ve been waiting ages, but keep trusting and memorise and meditate on Psalm 27:13-14 to keep those doubting voices out of your head.

Now, regarding your friendship, you can’t ignore her calls for ever. If you want to stay close to her then you’re going to have to sit down and have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Why don’t you write down your thoughts first so you’re clearer when you get together. If you value your friendship, and it sounds as though you do, then I would also make it clear that you are happy for her, but have mixed feelings about the whole thing. And if she values your friendship, and it sounds as though she does, then she will understand.

You write that this happened yesterday so it’s still pretty fresh and I hope by now you’ve spoken but if not, I reckon with both of you treading softly and coming from a place of love, then you’ll manage to work through this.

 If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk