GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I think I am asexual

Dear Woman Alive,

I think I am asexual, and I just want to know if this is the way God made me, or whether there is something wrong with me? I know there were eunuchs in the Bible, but I don’t know if they chose to be that way, as they were castrated? I am a 32-year-old woman, and I have never felt sexual desire, I don’t think. I had a boyfriend for two years in my late twenties and I was just happy to hold hands with him. As I am a Christian I don’t want to have sex before marriage, so my lack of desire wasn’t an issue in our relationship. I was abused once by a babysitter when I was seven, but I don’t feel like that trauma has caused this. Is it ok to be asexual, or should I pray for sexual desire to come back? I don’t have a huge desire for marriage, but I would like children. Any advice? 

I think it’s important to state that in a perfect world, relationships between men and women would be perfect, as would be our concepts of ourselves and our sexuality. 

Dear Reader,

Before I fully answer your question, I think it’s important to state that in a perfect world, relationships between men and women would be perfect, as would be our concepts of ourselves and our sexuality.  However, because we live in a fallen world, sin impacts all aspects of our thoughts, beliefs and behaviour – including our sexual behaviour.   

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It’s evident that in these modern times, more and more people are publicly stating they are asexual which is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.  

Having little interest in sex, particularly as a single Christian isn’t a surprise.  In talking to single Christians who aren’t sexually active, (not all single Christians abstain) some share they have a low sexual libido and the reason given is that in their desire to live for Jesus they have learnt to keep their longing for sex and intimacy under control and in the process found their sexual desires have subsided.    I also know of Christian women, (who abstained from sex prior to marriage), initially found sex in marriage difficult but their attitude and experience and changed over time and they now love it.    

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Re your question about eunuchs – they are mentioned in scripture.  Jesus speaks about them in Matthew 19:12 and describes the three paths to becoming a eunuch – through birth, through castration (often unwanted), and living like one for the sake of the Kingdom. “For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  

I wouldn’t describe you as a eunuch, but I’m not sure if you can describe yourself as asexual either because you are unsure. 

I wouldn’t describe you as a eunuch, but I’m not sure if you can describe yourself as asexual either because you are unsure.  Maybe you just have not met the right person yet to awaken your  sexual feelings and passion.  You mention that you had a two-year relationship, which you seemed to have enjoyed, and were satisfied with the physical touch of holding hands. It seems you and your ex-boyfriend decided to be chaste during your relationship.  Doing so doesn’t make you asexual.  What it demonstrates is a Christian couple keeping their sexual desires under control. 

I do wonder if you have explored in depth, with support, the sexual abuse you experienced as a child and how it has impacted you and your attitude towards sex?  I think it’s worth considering sharing your experience with a mature Christian or counsellor.  It’s apparent that your childhood experience has not lessened your desire for children.   

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I’m sure you know, for Christians, marriage is deemed the best relationship in which to have and raise children.  That’s doesn’t mean people can’t raise children on their own, but God’s best is a two-parent family.  However, if you really want to have your own family then I would encourage you to bring that desire to the Lord, and talk to him about your sexual desires or lack of them. God is concerned about all areas of our lives, including our sexuality.   

Prayer, coupled with counselling and an exploration of your attitudes to sex will increase your understanding of human sexuality from a Christian perspective, enabling you, if you so desire  to build a relationship that leads to marriage, an enjoyable sex life and hopefully children. 

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.