GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have put on weight, don’t feel attractive and lost confidence, how do I get out of this rut?

Dear Woman Alive,

I have put on weight, and can’t seem to shift it. I am in my early fifties, and have gone through menopause, so I know it’s expected, but I don’t find myself attractive anymore, and I don’t think my husband does either. I have lost so much confidence. Can you give me advice on how to get out of this rut? I feel like I need to do more than just ask God to help me!

Dear Reader,

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It is really unsettling when your body becomes a stranger to you. What worked for you before menopause suddenly may not, and this body that you previously felt you knew and could bend to your will, no longer apparently listens to you.

Not only are you having to deal with all the emotional changes and challenging experiences of actually going through menopause (hot flashes- good grief what a roller coaster they are!), your sleep may be disturbed, your hormones are on the rampage in new and feisty ways and then your weight decides to balloon. Awesome.

And all this is happening in a society that has trained you throughout your life to be as thin as possible to be acceptable - let alone deemed attractive or worthy of respect

And all this is happening in a society that has trained you throughout your life to be as thin as possible to be acceptable - let alone deemed attractive or worthy of respect. Oh and you should be young too. And if you can’t be young, then do what you can to look like you’re still young because young and thin are key to attractiveness… or so our culture says.

Given the training you’ve had from the media, magazines, tv etc that you and I both grew up with, on what ‘attractive’ looks like and endless ‘how to get/keep/be desirable to a man’ is it any wonder that you struggle to appreciate this body?

Women are half of the population and it is simply not acceptable to be left to feel utterly miserable and without help for this phase of life.

Now I’m not a health guru nor a menopause expert so I’m going to suggest you see your doctor about appropriate hormone checks and support. Don’t be fobbed off either. Women are half of the population and it is simply not acceptable to be left to feel utterly miserable and without help for this phase of life. There are also increasingly resources through books plus menopause fitness/health experts who can guide you on how to work with the body you now have. In terms of practical steps to take, this is a big one, because having people who can support you and normalise what you’re going through will help you feel less isolated. When you have  all those thoughts in your head in isolation, it’s too easy for them to spiral and for you to imagine that everyone else feels the same way about you that you do.

That said, I want to invite you to question the idea that this body isn’t attractive. Does your husband really not find you attractive anymore or are you projecting that onto him because of how you feel? Don’t forget, you’re not the only one getting older, and he may have insecurities of his own or find his own sex drive flagging. You may not be the only one who’s not as confident in their body’s attractiveness as they used to be.

Ultimately, this menopause experience is not for the faint hearted and as much as any of us might like, we can’t go back. The invitation in this season is to learn to love and respect this body, to detox from all the messages we’ve been given from society about what constitutes ‘attractive; and to honour this body in what it can do and what it needs in this season and for the whole of life ahead. And yes, I’m going to encourage you to take it to God and let him show you how to do that and see yourself through his eyes.

Confidence doesn’t require you to be a smaller size. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. But because of how the world sees things, we DO need to step out of that noise and let God show us where our thinking owes more to the world than his truth. You can re-find confidence in yourself that is richer and more solid than before, and that is not dependent on your size. Work on loving who God says you are and the rest will become easier.

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

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