GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I feel like Bridget Jones at Christmas

Dear Woman Alive

I feel like Bridget Jones, perennially single. Generally I am pretty happy in life, I have a position of authority in a good job, a church community, and a cat called Spike who I love. However, there is always the desire and hope for a man to share my life with. I am able to get on with life, but I am dreading Christmas, as being with my family makes me feel like a failure. I have a brother and sister who are both married with kids. My brother and his family are staying with my parents, as am I, and my sister and her family will come for the day. My mum starts planning from September, so it’s a big deal for her, but I hate it. My position as the ‘spinster aunt’ is not one I would have chosen, and I don’t know how to hear God in all this, as I feel I need to be grateful and accept my lot, and not hope for more, in case of disappointment. Can you give me any help and advice? 

Dear Reader,

Before I share some advice I hope you’ll find useful,  it’s important to mention Bridget Jones did eventually get married so please don’t get stuck in the mindset that singlehood is your future.  However, I do understand why you feel ‘perennially single’ and anxious about the forthcoming Christmas season.   It’s a reminder that another year has passed, and your hopes to  find a life partner has not been realised.

Although you long for a partner, from reading your letter it sounds like you have a fulfilling life

Although you long for a partner, from reading your letter it sounds like you have a fulfilling life, these are things to be grateful to God for.  The only thing that is missing is a loving partner.

You say you feel a failure about being single, but it can be a good thing to reappraise  the single life and look for the positive – one of them being the freedom to come and go as you please. You might find, if you were to speak in depth to your siblings, that they admire the life you’ve built for yourself and are secretly envious of the fact you  don’t have spousal or parental responsibilities, but just don’t say it, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

If you are serious about getting married (it’s not a sin to desire marriage it’s God’s creation and the writer of Hebrews says ‘marriage is honourable) you’ll have to up the ante on your social life and  start putting yourself in environments where you can meet potential partners.  Be mindful Christian men can be found everywhere so don’t be afraid of taking part in activities or joining clubs that aren’t church led, they should be in alignment with your values though.  You can meet your partner anywhere.  I know of one Christian woman on her quest to be married who said yes to every social invitation she received – even if it was to events she wouldn’t normally attend.  In doing so she met the man who became her husband.

You’ve written that ‘you don’t know how to hear God’ about your yearning to be married.  Before you start on your journey of widening your social circle I would encourage you to start speaking to God about this area of your life.  You’ll need his guidance on this issue.  You don’t want to marry the wrong person out of desperation or get trapped in perpetual dating plus, you need the Holy Spirit to help you overcome your feelings of failure and disappointment so that when you’re out socialising you are doing so from a place of positivity and spiritual renewal.

you need the Holy Spirit to help you overcome your feelings of failure and disappointment so that when you’re out socialising you are doing so from a place of positivity and spiritual renewal.

You may find talking to a caring, compassionate and prayerful Christian about how you feel will help you tremendously.  However, if you don’t feel able to do that at present dig into scripture to (i) build your spirit, (ii) draw closer to God, (iii) remind yourself you are loved by God and (iv) build your faith and start trusting that God is able to answer your prayer for a partner.

Psalms 139 states ‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made.’ Always remember that.

1 Peter 5:7 says you can ‘Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.’ So, start telling  God how you feel, and ask him to help you overcome your feelings of failure and disappointment.

Also ask God to increase your faith so that you start to truly believe he can answer your prayer for marital love. Hebrews 11:6 states “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”

Although finding love can be difficult for Christian women, it is possible to find a godly husband, or rather a godly husband find you - so don’t be downhearted.  Thank God for the wonderful things you have in your life, be hopeful for your future and enjoy Christmas with your family, this year with the expectation that God will answer your prayer for a spouse.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.