GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I feel insecure in my marriage

Dear Woman Alive,

I have been married for five years, and I love my husband. He is kind and thoughtful, but I sometimes feel insecure around other women. We hang out with a few couples from church, and I know that he finds one of the wives really attractive. He always notices pretty women, and I see him looking, trying to make eye-contact with them and this feels disrespectful. I know he would never be unfaithful, although I feel like he is being unfaithful in his mind. I don’t know how to bring it up without making him feel judged, and I don’t want to have to tell him to make me feel secure. Shouldn’t I just be secure in myself? 

Dear Reader,

Firstly I want to say thank you for being courageous enough to write in. It sounds like you are very much in love, and that there are many positives about your marriage and your husband. However, this feels like a fundamental issue that just isn’t going to go away – and it certainly isn’t all down to you to solve either.

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My first question, were I to speak to you in person, would be to ask whether you had any pre marriage counselling/attended marriage preparation classes?

Often in the full flush of romance we can’t even entertain that there will be problems further down the line

Often in the full flush of romance we can’t even entertain that there will be problems further down the line (I remember doing marriage prep with a couple who insisted they never argued and never would – that certainly changed after they were married!). It can take spending intentional time with a third party (I would recommend a couple you trust) to bring up things you might be finding difficult to mention yourself (and in the course of such a conversation subjects you may not have even considered yourselves may come up naturally).

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On the subject of whether you should be secure in yourself: as someone who has wrestled with low self-esteem for much of my life, and who did look for security in my partner/other men, I absolutely have learned the hard way that we can only truly feel secure and accepted in God. I know that sounds quite abstract, but it is a hard-won truth I live by now. But that doesn’t let your husband off the hook.

Jesus was actually really clear about his thoughts on lust

Jesus was actually really clear about his thoughts on lust: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-29). By seeking out connection with women he finds attractive (even just eye connection at this point) your husband is playing with fire. Again, I speak from experience having spent years flirting with other men when my husband was working around the clock and I was deeply lonely and unhappy. I ended up shocking everyone around me – and myself – by being unfaithful. That said, I don’t think you should be challenging him with this verse! Your insecurity could be causing you to see things through a particular lens. And I also don’t think it is problematic for married Christian men and women to be friends with those of the opposite sex (unless they don’t allow their partner into the friendship/become secretive).

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The first step I recommend is to try and open up a conversation with your husband around your own sense of security. Do you feel you would be able to be honest about how you feel when around attractive women, and that you notice he seems to respond in a particular way to them? If not, or if he becomes very defensive – or guarded – I would suggest trying to bring in a trustworthy third party. Your marriage is too important to let this go and just hope that you can make yourself feel OK with how things currently are. It sounds like you both have work to do to help one another feel as comfortable and loved as possible within your relationship (which is perfectly normal, as marriage takes effort!). Of course, it is important to surround any more difficult conversation with lots of affirmation about what is going well in your marriage. Too often we drift through everyday life without celebrating the positives and taking note of where our relationship needs more attention. I hope and pray that you and your husband are able to navigate this issue well, and that it takes you deeper as a couple. 

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.