GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I am single - what do I do with my sexual desires?

Dear Woman Alive,

I am a single woman in my thirties and I don’t want to be married right now, maybe in the future, but I am not focused on it, and I don’t have a boyfriend. But sometimes I feel horny, and often just before my period, simply watching something on Netflix can turn me on, and I feel drawn to masturbate and orgasm. My question is, what do I do with my sex drive? 

Dear Reader,

This is a question that I believe God loves to answer, because he desires for us to steward and enjoy our sex drive in the best possible way. I love the clarity that 1 Corinthians 7:1 provides when 2000 years someone asked Paul a similar question:

 First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context.

“Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.” (The Message translation)

We see from this scripture that ‘a balanced and fulfilling marital sex life’ is the only context, in which God has designed for our passionate sex drives to flourish. Well, that’s great news indeed for married folks, right? Yet in a world of ‘sexual disorder’, how do we steward our sex drive, if we aren’t married? Or when sexual cues are popping up left right and centre, through arts and entertainment? Or when hormonal horniness kicks in? Or when we simply feel aroused? Or how about, when we just want to feel the pleasure of the orgasm we’ve gotten so used to reaching, through masturbation?

However, it’s this very aspect of having a mentally programmed orgasm on tap, that becomes one of the unhealthiest aspects of trying to satisfy our sex drive through masturbation

However, it’s this very aspect of having a mentally programmed orgasm on tap, that becomes one of the unhealthiest aspects of trying to satisfy our sex drive through masturbation, especially if we do desire to get married one day. You see, it is not just the lustful thoughts and sexual fantasies often accompanying masturbation that are harmful, but for anyone who may want to marry later on, it’s also the brain’s propensity to prefer solo induced orgasms, that will jeopardise future marital sex lives.

I have personally counselled several newly-weds who struggle with secret masturbation, because their husbands can’t seem to satisfy them the way that masturbation can. So how do we keep ourselves sexually pure and preserve our beautiful God-given sex drives as singles, to not only glorify God, but to also prepare for ‘a balanced and fulfilling’ sex life in future marriage too?

Understanding the sacredness of our bodies and sexuality is crucial. The more we discover in God’s Word how brilliantly and beautifully he designed our sexuality, the more we will want to steward it with purity and consecration and the less we will to settle for practices such as masturbation that may satisfy in the moment, but are ultimately, counterfeits of true intimacy.

And true intimacy first starts with God. So, having an intimate relationship with Jesus, is the ultimate place of unrivalled satisfaction. Unsurprisingly, God likens sexual intimacy to spiritual intimacy and what we are often unknowingly seeking in masturbation, in relationships and even in marriage, is in fact communion with God. If we seek this above all, we will discover a deeper, more euphoric pleasure, that hits way better than a fleeting orgasm.

Deepening intimacy and dependency upon God, will also help us to lay our sex drive down on the altar on a daily basis – not from a place of repression or condemnation, but from a place of trust. Trust that says ‘here is my sex drive Lord. I know you know my longings and desires, and I surrender my precious sex drive to you. Give me the grace and guidelines to steward it for your glory.”

Praying to break off neurological attachments to fantasies and sexual thoughts associated with masturbation, can also bring freedom from any dependency on counterfeit intimacy. Being aware of triggers that lead to desire to masturbate such as Netflix, and replacing them, is also often necessary.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that we are created for the deepest intimacy and this is a crucial aspect of our sex drive. And if we fully trust God with our desires and bodies, he will be faithful to satisfy us, like nothing else.