GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: How do I set boundaries with a toxic friend?

Dear Woman Alive,

I have a friend who I find really draining. It feels like she uses me to ‘vomit’ all her negativity and complaints. I don’t know how to communicate without hurting her feelings that, because of this, I don’t want to hang out with her.  

She is single, has recently moved near us in Scotland, and I know she is quite lonely. I have a family, and I feel guilty that I am not a better friend to her, but when she asks to hang out, I make up a reason why we can’t. She is working as a missionary, living by faith, and life has not been easy for her, but how do I tell her that her negativity, self-pity and critical spirit make me want to walk away from our friendship?

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Dear Reader,

From what you’ve said, I am going to answer on the basis of two premises: firstly, that you care about this friend; and secondly, that your assessment of their complaining and negativity is not mental health related, but rather an attitude and disposition that is draining. On that basis, let’s start by saying that it makes perfect sense that you would want to avoid time spent in that kind of environment!

However, when someone is creating a pattern of having a critical or negative spirit, they need someone who will love them enough to help them redirect. 

Moving to a new country can be hard, and doing it alone can make it lonely at times. However, when someone is creating a pattern of having a critical or negative spirit, they need someone who will love them enough to help them redirect. I wonder if you could have an honest conversation about what you’ve experienced from her lately?

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You might take a proactive approach and ask her ‘what’s been going well? What are you proud of? How are you enjoying [work/location/hobbies]? Where are you seeing God show up? What’s God been teaching you lately? By doing this you’re cuing her to focus on the good and redirecting her whilst also hopefully making your time with her less draining. If she tries to go back to complaining and negativity, you might gently observe: ‘I’ve noticed that the last few times we’ve met, it’s felt like you’ve been really struggling and everything seems to be negative. Are you ok?’

Before you engage with her, I’d suggest you spend solid time in prayer. 

Before you engage with her, I’d suggest you spend solid time in prayer. Ask Holy Spirit for wisdom and insight to know how to break through and help her find healing. It sounds like she’s unhappy and you can’t fix her, but you can help her see the effect she’s having on you and, potentially, others.

Speak to her using ‘I’ statements that express what you are seeing and experiencing from her. Where there’s gratuitous negativity (rather than genuine problems) consider reminding her that we are told to meditate on what is good and pure and lovely and admirable (Php 4:8). What we focus on we see more of, so focusing on what she doesn’t like is training her brain to ignore the good God is doing, the provision, the blessings, and instead to show her more of what frustrates and pains her. If she wants life to improve, then she’ll never lose by revelling in what God’s already done, what he’s doing, and the everyday miracles she’s got a front row seat to. She may also benefit from being reminded that she’s in a spiritual war and needs to be armoured up (Eph 6:10-18).

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If, on the other hand, what you’ve been seeing is actually a deeper issue and she’s really struggling, then it may be an opportunity to encourage her to seek support from her mission organisation, church, or professionals. At the very least, she may need more prayer coverage which you can begin providing even now, and even without hanging out with her.

Before you try to address this, I cannot stress enough to spend time in prayer and examine your heart so that when you speak to her next - in whatever form - you are doing so from a palpably loving standpoint, and not from [understandable] frustration.

I know it can feel awkward and yes, there is the risk that she’ll blow up at you, but if she’s falling into a critical spirit, then lovingly helping her see it and find a way out of it is a blessing to her. And let’s not forget, if this is how she is with you, the same attitudes likely leak out when she’s speaking to others. At the very least, they’ll sense it. This is one of those times when you may need to rest in the truth that ‘wounds from a friend can be trusted’ (Prov. 27:6). I can’t tell you if that is your role in this scenario, let God guide you on the specifics. As a mature believer, being able to lovingly tell someone what they need to hear is healing. Even if you need to step back from her, do so in a way that is loving and honours that she is made in God’s image. 

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.