GREAT SEXPECTATIONS How do I let go and move on from a guy that is not good for me?

Dear Woman Alive,

I am a single Christian woman in my early forties. A few years ago I met a much younger guy through the Christian organisation I work for. We had instant chemistry and got on well, even though he is a slightly unusual guy, and is not well liked (so much so that he had to leave the organisation for being inappropriate and not following rules). He does body building, and is very tactile, and we ended up having sex together. Even though he has told me he is not interested in a relationship with me, I can’t let go. I block him for a few days, and then he is like a drug that I go back to. He has so many red flags. Deep down I am believing the lie that I have no other options, I am too old for anyone else, and the fact that I am lonely, means he is still in my life. I realise it is my own brokenness that is meaning I can’t walk away, but what can I do? My friends are fed up with me and think I am crazy not moving on.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I have fallen out of love with my husband, when is it ok to get a divorce?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for trusting Woman Alive to provide you with some helpful advice.  I must firstly say it can be an unpleasant experience being involuntarily single, especially when, as a Christian, you believe your options are few.  This is harmful thinking because it can lead a Christian women to get into relationships that don’t honour God  and that go nowhere.  However I do understand why it’s easy for women to think like this.

The desire to get married is a normal and powerful God given one

The desire to get married is a normal and powerful God given one.  However, looking around the church, with its very noticeable male/female imbalance, it’s easy to lose hope and feel your desire to marry won’t be realised.  I get why you’d think being in a relationship, even if unsuitable, is better than not being in one at all.

READ MORE: Your relationship with your dad can affect how you see your heavenly father

It’s good however that you recognise you need to end this damaging cycle of an on/off relationship.  It’s going nowhere, and although you haven’t said, it’s affecting your walk with God, your mental health and your friends are now getting fed up.

Before you take the necessary steps to end the relationship, I would encourage you to speak to God, ask for forgiveness, repent and ask for strength to move forward as a transformed woman – whole and fulfilled.  1 John 1:8-9 states “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us.” Tell the Lord everything, how you feel about your singleness, why you are in this relationship and that you want his help to get out of it. Also ask  for  help to change your mindset, as you need to start believing that you aren’t too old to find love with a godly man and get married.  If you do a google search you’ll find there are loads of stories of women getting married in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even their 80s. Some even have had children late in life. Don’t believe the lie that you’re past it.  You are not.

Start meditating on scriptures to bolster your confidence and remind yourself that you have much to live for. 

Start meditating on scriptures to bolster your confidence and remind yourself that you have much to live for.  Psalms 139:14 which states ‘I am fearfully and wonderfully made’, is always a good starting point.

READ MORE: Is love at first sight a healthy way to start a relationship and what does the Bible say about it?

Now to your relationship with this young man – you know there’s no future in it and that this man is just using you for sex.  The Holy Spirit is whispering to you, let him go.  I’d say do it.  Tell him you are ending the relationship and the next time he calls don’t answer.   Block his number for good this time.  God will give you the strength to do so and stay resolute in your decision.

Please start seeing yourself as a woman of value who deserves better.  The time and attention you spend on this guy could be better spent strengthening your relationship with God, developing yourself and doing things that will help you to meet a godly man like upping the ante on your social life.

I encourage you practise some self-care.  Take up some form of exercise.  Walking is cheap and cheerful – plus exercise helps alleviate stress and will help you feel good as well as help you get fitter Get a new hairstyle.  If you can afford it, get a style makeover.  All these things will make you feel better about yourself and enable you to put your best foot forward when you are out and about socialising.  Tell yourself you are not old and that, in alignment with scriptures, your latter days will be better than your former years.

When you focus on God, start believing that God can make the impossible possible, begin feeling good about yourself,  and just enjoy your life, you open yourself to a whole new world of opportunities – which may just include a life partner your heavenly father approves of it.  And if it doesn’t, at least you would have built a great relationship with God and are content with your life.  All this is possible – but you need to let this man go first to experience this.  Good luck.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.