GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: How can I overcome the pain of betrayal from my mum?

Dear Woman Alive

I feel betrayed by my mum. I am in my twenties now, but when I was a child she had two affairs while married to my dad, and their marriage ended after the second affair. Maybe betrayed is the wrong word, and I know her actions were not specifically toward me, but I still feel angry at her for ruining our family. My parents are both Christians, and my mum’s first affair was with a married man at church. I am a Christian but don’t go to church at the moment. I see my mum weekly, and I haven’t told her how her actions have made me feel, as she says we should all move on, and get over what happened in the past. How can I get over this?

READ MORE: Your history is not your legacy (AKA You are not your mother)

Dear Reader

Before I offer any advice, I totally empathise with how you feel. It can be soul destroying to learn that a parent’s actions not only led to the breakdown of a marriage, but also robbed you of the experience of growing up in a two-parent family – especially when said parent was a Christian. I’m saddened to read you remain traumatised, grieving and angry at  that loss; however, I know it’s possible for God to heal you of your pain.

I know it’s possible for God to heal you of your pain.

You mention nothing about your current living arrangements, or your relationship with your father, but in order to quell your anger and experience peace, it’s worth trying to understand why your mother had the affair – even if you don’t excuse it - and it can only happen if you have a conversation.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: My husband had an affair and now says he is allergic to me and can’t touch me

As Christians we know that adultery is wrong. It’s listed in the 10 commandments as a sin Christian should not commit and the Bible mentions the gravity of sexual sin.

There are numerous reasons why a believer might have an affair – they maybe spiritually weak and can’t resist temptation. Maybe they’re unhappy in their marriage, and when someone offers to give them respite they take it. They might be dissatisfied with the sexual side of their marriage. There are so many reasons as to why your mother may have behaved the way she did. Trying to understand the reasons why may help placate your anger, if not alleviate it.

You mention you haven’t spoken to your mother about how her adultery has affected you because she brushes you off. Have you thought this maybe because she feels ashamed and is filled with guilt because her behaviour did not align with her faith and caused the end of her marriage.

READ MORE: GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: I hate being a mum

You also added that your mother doesn’t know that you are angry with her – which may be a good thing. It  means you can get help and support to deal with your anger now before speaking with your mother. It’s difficult to have a productive conversation if one person is filled with anger.

It’s worth seeking out a mature woman in your church, especially one who has experience of either getting divorced or committing adultery (there may be a brave person in your congregation who has shared a testimony of being forgiven after having sex with someone other than their spouse). If so, why not speak to them confidentially to glean some insights about how they dealt with the aftermath of their actions.  It’ll increase your understanding and help you in approaching your mother to have your much needed conversation.

You must be commended for acknowledging your anger. Being honest with oneself sets you on the path to healing. 

You must be commended for acknowledging your anger. Being honest with oneself sets you on the path to healing. The next step for you is to speak to God about how you feel and ask him to help you deal with your anger. He will help you to, his word promises that.

Pacifying your anger, prior to talking to your mother I believe will play a major role in successfully resolving the situation and will also help you to build a stronger relationship with her. I would encourage you to pray for your mother.  Ask God to help you understand her behaviour as well as forgive her – even though she hasn’t asked for forgiveness. You don’t want your anger to overwhelm you and stop you from moving forward in your life. And ask God to help your mother. Only he knows her heart and how she may be feeling.

I pray that God enables you to meet and talk with your mother, that you are both able to share openly and honestly, and that God heals you both from any pain, anger and trauma so that you can be properly reconciled. And that also you feel free to start attending church again. 

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.