GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: How can I be a good step-mum and relate to a toxic ex partner?

Dear Woman Alive,

I married a lovely man last year, and he has two children from a previous relationship, aged seven and nine. They alternate staying one week with their mum and one week with us. I really like them, but find it hard to know my place as an extra care-giver. My husband’s ex left him, and has been quite toxic. My husband and I are Christians, but she isn’t. How do I navigate this relationship? . How do I navigate this relationship? 

Dear Reader,

Ah I feel you! Life is never straightforward, because relationships are never straightforward. You have also entered into already established relationships, and a co-parenting relationship with a woman you probably do not want to have much to do with.

What I would say to you is grace, grace, grace! Grace for yourself, grace for this woman who does not yet know Jesus, and grace for the navigation of this new normal for all of you.

What a gift for you to have these two kids in your life.

What a gift for you to have these two children in your life. I know it may feel a difficult position in many ways – you are not their mother, but when they are with you, you will be doing the duties of a mother. It can be easy to feel overlooked and underappreciated, but look at this as an opportunity to sacrifice and serve for a season, and I believe the rewards will come.

With the ex, my first advice would be to pray for her. The Bible talks about praying for your enemies (Matt 5:44) and although she is not your literal enemy, if there is toxic behaviour, it may sometimes feel like that.

As you pray, it will keep your heart soft towards her, which will help in the times you meet each other.

Unity is something God loves – Psalm 133 says: ‘How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron’s beard, down upon the collar of his robes. It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion…’

So remaining united with your husband is key, especially when there is the extra dynamic of a difficult ex partner.

So remaining united with your husband is key, especially when there is the extra dynamic of a difficult ex partner.

Where you can, be agreeable and generous with your husband’s ex when it comes to wider family logistics. This does not mean be a doormat, but it does mean overlooking offences, choosing your battles and responding to her in the opposite spirit. Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

These are all things we know in theory, but in reality, when we are tired and stressed, are sometimes challenging to carry out! Ask God for help to remain kind to her.

Think about how you speak about her in front of the children. If there is toxic behaviour, in frustration you may just want to let off steam, but don’t do it when the children can hear. She is still their mother, however difficult she may be.

Finally, try not to compare yourself with her. Comparisons and insecurities can drive a couple apart. Make sure you focus on your identity in Christ, that you are loved and chosen.

Bless you in this new position as a wife and step-mother. God will give you want you need.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email: womanalive@premier.org.uk

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.