GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Fourteen years after marrying as a virgin, I have never had an orgasm

Dear Woman Alive Panel,

My husband and I have been married for 14 years.  I am in my late 40s and my husband is in his early 50s. We didn’t live together before getting married and we both strongly believe that sex is a gift from God to be shared within marriage, so we were both virgins when we slept together for the first time on our wedding night.

I didn’t expect fireworks to begin with, I was just happy to finally be able to enjoy this highest level of physical intimacy together.

My frustration is that 14 years into marriage and I have never experienced an orgasm. I know that it’s best to focus just on enjoying being together rather than on the ‘big O’ (!) as it’s far more likely to happen if I don’t make that my sole focus.

My husband isn’t particularly into sex and he doesn’t really miss it, partly because for much of the time he is exhausted. I have chronic mental health problems and my husband is my full-time carer, so it isn’t easy either switching from carer and cared for to husband and wife.  I’m immensely grateful for all my husband does for me practically day in day out and I don’t want sex to be another chore on his ‘to do’ list.

 I’m immensely grateful for all my husband does for me practically day in day out and I don’t want sex to be another chore on his ‘to do’ list.

I was my husband’s first ‘proper’ girlfriend, so on the one hand it’s beautiful that he’s only ever touched me in an intimate way.  On the other hand he really isn’t very knowledgeable about how to arouse a woman.  I know I need to play my part in this and work with him to find out what feels good.  I also encourage him to read advice online (from wholesome sources!) but he’s not particularly interested and understandably in the little time he has to relax would rather be reading about subjects that interest him more.

On the rare occasions that we do have time together, he climaxes either through me stimulating him or through intercourse.  He acknowledges that this is very one-way and he wants me to experience an orgasm.  We try to build up to intercourse and use lubricant, but sex is still often very uncomfortable for me.  I am sometimes left in tears of frustration afterwards as I so crave a fulfilling experience.  My husband acknowledges this and feels bad for it.  I really don’t want him to feel bad, but I do desperately seek more satisfaction from our time together.

I am glad really that I didn’t have sex before marriage, but I am left feeling cheated that now I have been married for some years, I am still unable to experience this fulfillment.

I acknowledge that sex is just one element of marriage.  I would say that one of the strengths of our marriage is that we can talk about anything and everything, and my husband makes me laugh regularly which I so appreciate.  On the one hand I don’t want to change him, but on the other I wish he was a bit more interested in sex and how he can help me to be more fulfilled in this area. It feels like role reversal to me, and I know this is a huge stereotype, but it is generally men who would like more sex than women!

We haven’t had sex for over three years now so we would need to gradually build up to it again.  I don’t want to lose hope, but I honestly wonder if I will ever be sexually fulfilled.  Any thoughts would be gratefully appreciated.

Dear Reader

I was so encouraged to read that two of the strengths of your marriage are the ability to talk to one another about ‘anything and everything’ and that you use humour as a couple to be playful. You have two of the key ingredients which will help you not only get your sex life back on track but to really enjoy it.

You have two of the key ingredients which will help you not only get your sex life back on track but to really enjoy it.

Your husband is your main carer, and you are right - switching between carer, husband and lover is not easy and it will be important to discuss how you might delineate these roles. As a couple you will need to be very intentional about when you want to be intimate and ringfence this time so you are able to switch gear. This will need to include ‘couple time’. We know that emotional connection is particularly important for women in committed relationships in setting the scene for arousal and desire.

Couple time doesn’t have to be the evening, be creative. You might both agree that you have more energy in the morning, or early afternoon. Go for a walk, have a coffee, or brunch together. Switch off phones and screens and focus on talking. For some women, aesthetics is a large part of their sexual identity and doesn’t have to be saved for an evening date. If this is the case for you, enjoy the preparation of getting ready, taking extra time to plan what you want to wear, style your hair, make up etc.

Be intentional- after you have spent time together, go to bed together. You haven’t been intimate for 3 years so it won’t necessarily feel comfortable to start with. Start with sensual touching. This might include non-sexual stroking, kissing and massage. The goal is the feel the warmth and pleasure of skin on skin. If you feel aroused, observe this but don’t be too re-occupied with it to start with. Get into the habit of doing this once a week and commit to this routine. This will create anticipation which fuels sexual desire.

When you are feeling more confident reintroduce sexual touching, this is likely to include particularly erotic areas such as the breasts, nipples, inner thighs, genitals etc.  Ensure that you use a good quality vaginal lubricant, I recommend an organic brand called Yes.

Couples can get fixated on the woman experiencing an orgasm through penetrative sex but Dr Laurie Mintz has shown in her work that only a very small number (4%) of women orgasm through penetration alone, clitoral stimulation is also needed. Most women experience an orgasm through manual stimulation with a hand, a clitoral vibrator or through oral sex, or combining manual stimulation during penetrative intercourse.

I would encourage you to take some time either alone or with your husband to touch your own genitals with a lubricated finger to discover which areas are particularly arousing. It is much easier to guide your husband’s hand if you already understand what turns you on.

One of the difficulties when we are trying to aroused is that we are all too often ‘in our heads’ rather than being in the moment and connected to the sensations we are experiencing in our bodies. To help manage this I would encourage you to buy a clitoral vibrator, and a great website is ‘Stress no More’. Introducing a vibrator takes the pressure off your husband to know what to do. This is likely to increase his desire because he can relax and enjoy you getting aroused.

You have mentioned that penetrative sex can be painful. Adequate sexual arousal is important at all ages but particularly in peri/menopausal women, who are more likely to experience Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM). Hormonal changes result in decreased natural vaginal lubrication which can result in painful sex and conditions such as recurrent thrush or urinary tract infections. Do ensure that you regularly apply lubrication particularly prior to penetrative sex.

Recommended reading and resources

• Intimate massagers
• Certified Organic Vaginal Moisturisers, Lubricants, and Feminine Washes
 that respect the Vaginal Microbiome
• Becoming Cliterate by Dr Laurie Mintz
• She Comes First - The Thinking Man’s guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner