GREAT SEXPECTATIONS: Everyone says I’ll meet my husband at some point… but what if I don’t?

Dear Woman Alive,

I’ve been single virtually all my life - I’m now 38. I’ve had a few dates here and there and was seeing someone for two months - but that’s all my dating history. I don’t feel called to singleness and I really do want to meet someone. My friends tell me I’m great and they can’t understand why it’s not happened yet. I get a lot of “God’s perfect timing” and “be patient” and “he’ll come when you stop looking”. But what if he just doesn’t? What if I never meet someone and get married?

Dear Reader

I know from experience this question is one of the hardest and most painful to face as a single Christian woman. God never promises when we come to him that we will get all we want, he bids us come and die (to our own longings and desires) to find that we may truly live. But I know that I, and many women have got to the point of asking is God enough? What if he doesn’t give the husband and family we desire?

In the midst of the disappointment of still being single, the voice of the enemy will be telling you, like he did to Eve the garden, "Is God really good? Is he really powerful? Is he worth giving your life to?"

We have very few role models of powerful, dynamic joy-filled older single Christian women

We have very few role models of powerful, dynamic joy-filled older single Christian women, so it is hard to have vision for a single future, when the world calls us "spinsters" and we feel the shame of not being "chosen"*. I think it is so important to re-frame singleness as an older Christian woman. Ask God to help you re-frame it and give you his vision for your current single state.

What helped me was being pragmatic and surrendering to God’s character. I know God is good, I have experienced his faithfulness again and again in my life. If I believe he is a good father, I can trust him to meet my needs, and open up a new future, that is better than I could have asked or imagined. Even if that does not mean marriage.

I believe Psalm 37:4 is true: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart," but I wonder if we focus more on the desires part, than "delighting" in the Lord. What does delighting look like anyway? I think it is pursuing him, making time for him, stopping to listen for his voice.

I remember when I was living in Hong Kong working with drug addicts, it was not an easy time in many ways. But God spoke to me that He was going to give me "kisses" each day to help me through. I started looking for these "kisses" from heaven each day, instead of focusing on the hardship and uncomfortable circumstances. I can honestly say it transformed my time, and reminded me daily that God saw me, and he loves me. This was God helping me delight in him, when he still had not given me the "desire of my heart".

So if we do remain single, is he enough? I believe he absolutely is, and if you remain single, he will meet your needs in wonderful unexpected ways. He will be a husband to you, and you need not fear the future, because he is in it. The world tells you that you are missing out, but I wonder if actually singleness, and a subsequent close walk with Jesus, is actually the biggest gift of all.

Practical tips if you are single and don’t want to be:

1. Praise Him. This sounds weird, but let me explain. God is still good, he is still able, he is still on the throne, and he is still worthy of praise. Psalm 50: 23 says: "He who sacrifices thank offerings honours me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." When your praise is a sacrifice, it is warfare and opens up the way for God to move. Praise stops you becoming bitter, and helps you stay grateful.
2. If you want help to find reason to praise, then go to Psalm 103: 2: "Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s." He has forgiven your sins, you have the greatest gift – salvation, and his promise is that he WILL satisfy your desires, so thank him in advance.
3. Get into community. If you don’t have a community, pray for community. We are made for relationships. When we live alone the desire for a husband to cure our loneliness can be overwhelming. If you have other people in your life meeting your relational needs, this helps a lot. Start volunteering and serving others – in doing so God will bless and heal your own heart.
4. Know that God can still do it! Your story is not over! We had a lady write in to Woman Alive recently who married at 66. This may not be your dream, but it is a reminder that there is no cut-off date for marriage.

*NB You may not be chosen by a man, but you ARE chosen by the King of Kings, who calls you by name, who loves you and who has written your name on the palm of his hand (Isaiah 49:16).

If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.

Our Great Sexpectations column is written by a number of different contributors who make up the Woman Alive panel. If you have a question for us, email:womanalive@premier.org.uk

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