Comparison isn’t always a thief of joy

My confident friend revealed a chink in her armour the other day, and we commiserated with each other over unwholesome pangs of jealousy that had crept up on us both. Our issues were inconsequential - we weren’t coveting our neighbour’s house, ox, donkey or anything else mentioned in the 10th commandment (Exodus 20:17). Our hasty text exchange was concluded when she messaged, ‘Run in your lane, no point looking at others.’ 

The phrase ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ came to mind, and I felt convicted. This is one of those wise sayings likely to turn up on the ‘From Proverbs or Not?’ round of a church quiz, and in this case, the correct answer is ‘not’ – it’s attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.

We know jealousy and comparison are wrong.

We know jealousy and comparison are wrong. It doesn’t matter what your peers have achieved; it only matters that you focus on God and what he wants you to do.  Romans 12:4-8 tells us not to compare our gifts but to be the best we can be and use our good gifts for God.

However, I’m competitive, and I’m not always content with what I have and what I do.  As a teacher, I know pupils face numerous daily comparisons. Eyebrow thickness, skirt length, choice of bag, choice of PE bag, exam results, idiotic response to a question… and comparisons are integral to their conversations. It seems less so with adults, or could it be that we compare ourselves just as much but don’t admit it out loud like we used to at school? When the green-eyed monster rears its head, my friends and I forget how to fight it off.

When the green-eyed monster rears its head, my friends and I forget how to fight it off.

In her podcast, Begin Again, Davina McCall interviews TV and radio personality and founder of Happy Place, Fearne Cotton. After several years scoring top presenting jobs, Cotton shares how brutal it was to find herself ‘not flavour of the month anymore’.  Despite focusing on challenges and years of self-doubt, the episode was a joyous celebration of a successful career pivot, and a friendship built on mutual respect.

I want to propose that comparison doesn’t always steal joy.  Admitting to comparison and facing it head-on can lead towards joy instead. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Be with the people who are causing you to feel jealous. Talking and interacting with them (rather than writing a self-pitying monologue) works wonders for your self-esteem.

2. The comparison that eats away at you reveals what could bring you joy. What are you jealous of? Why does it matter so much to you?  Use it as a wake-up call to remind you of your true passions in life.

3. A pinch of encouragement from someone who matters helps make comparison wholesome instead of toxic.  All it took to help me was for someone I admire to reach out and remind me I’m good at the thing for which I felt overlooked.  I was honest in my feelings and moved forward with a more balanced outlook.

God cares about the little things that upset us. After you’ve worked through your issues and prayed honest prayers, wipe your face and decide to deviate from what has become a cultural norm: the worship of self. Instead, seek the best for others unselfishly, loving them as you love yourself. This commandment in Matthew 22:39 doesn’t call us to ignore our needs but nudges us to drop the ugly comparison baggage and lift our gaze upwards and outwards. It’s hard, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can do what seems impossible in our own strength.