Billie Eilish offers an important reminder that it’s not just men who are affected by porn, it’s women too. Lauren Windle explores what the church can do about it.
Billie Eilish started watching porn at the age of 11 and has spoken out about the devastating impact it had on her. In an interview with Howard Stern, she said: ‘I think it really destroyed my brain, and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn. I think that I had sleep paralysis and almost night terrors and nightmares because of it. I think that’s how they started because I would watch abusive BDSM and that’s what I thought was attractive. It got to a point where I couldn’t watch anything else—unless it was violent, I didn’t think it was attractive.’
According to statistics 60.2% of women consume porn, but despite the huge figure, the women who struggle with pornography consumption are largely invisible in the church. Lust has classically been a ‘male problem’. Men’s ministry will discuss pornography and masturbation and encourage men to use programmes such as Covenant Eyes to stay accountable - yet I’ve never heard anyone in church say the same to a group of women. It’s time for us to acknowledge that porn is not just a male problem, it is rife among women as well and just as damaging to their self-esteem, body image, sex life and relationships.
I managed to avoid getting into porn - even before I was a Christian - something for which I am truly thankful. But as I run an addiction recovery programme, it’s a topic that people come to speak to me about a lot. I’ve seen it devastate relationships and have a huge affect on marital sex lives.
Hormones released during pornography consumption can be so powerful they can mirror the neurological response of a person who’s taken crack. Author of Wired for Intimacy, William M. Struthers said: ‘Pornography is the consumption of sexual poison that becomes part of the fabric of the mind.’
The experiences Billie Eilish reports mirror that of the science, where she began pushing boundaries in her own sexual life in order to find the same ‘high’ that pornography gave her. She said: ‘I was a virgin, I had never done anything, and so it led to problems where the first few times I had sex. I was not saying no to things that were not good. It’s because I thought that was what I was supposed to be attracted to.’
The church is in the unique position of knowing, clearer than anyone, what a healthy, happy, satisfying and fulfilled sex life looks like. Where others fumble around in the dark trying to understand what sex ‘should be’ and turn to porn for their guide, we have a far better solution. With the Bible as our handbook and a relationship with Jesus as a model for love and respect, we can share a vision for truly exciting sex. But it’s time the church started being more vocal about the joy of God’s creation of sex and that there’s no guilt in desiring sexual pleasure. It’s not embarrassing or shameful. In fact it can be incredibly unifying and uplifting within the safety of a committed marriage.
We also need to stop assuming it’s just our men who struggle with lust and pornography. Just like Billie Eilish, there are plenty of women who are desperate to break free from the cycle of pornography use and even addiction. Let’s create an environment where they can come forward for support and accountability too.
