Are unhappy marriages a myth?

When I was single I remember talking to another single friend, who had just met with a Christian counsellor. My friend was talking to the counsellor about her frustration at being single. She was then told something along the lines of, “you should see the amount of Christian couples I counsel in terrible marriages. Marriage isn’t always as it seems, it can be very hard.”

That stuck with me, and later, when I was talking to a counsellor, also about being single, she said; “Jemimah, God will sanctify you through singleness, or through marriage, let him do his work.”

So I felt aware that what may seem on the outside a happy marriage, might not necessarily be so.

So I felt aware that what may seem on the outside a happy marriage, might not necessarily be so. We cannot idolise marriage, it is not the answer to happiness – pursuing God is.

When I heard of the study from The Marriage Foundation that found couples trapped in unhappy marriages are “exceedingly rare”,  I was surprised, but encouraged!

The study tracked more than 6,200 parents with children born between 2000-2002, concludes that not a single mother reported being unhappy across the full 14 years of survey data and just one reported being unhappy during the first five years of parenthood.

The Marriage Foundation, looked at the responses from 3,161 mums who were asked how happy they were with their relationship when their child was nine months, three years, five years, seven years, 11 years and 14 years old.

It found that not a single mother was consistently unhappy and of the 155 couples who reported being unhappy at nine months, 55 split and 100 remained together and happy for the next 14 years.

This data conclusively busts the myth that thousands of couples are trapped in unhappy marriages. As this data shows, this narrative, often pushed by those who dislike the institution of marriage is without merit - it is a lie.

Harry Benson, Marriage Foundation’s Research Director commented: “This data conclusively busts the myth that thousands of couples are trapped in unhappy marriages. As this data shows, this narrative, often pushed by those who dislike the institution of marriage, is without merit - it is a lie.

“What the data does show is that unhappy marriages are thankfully exceeding rare, just 155 in the sample with just one third deciding to split up, while two-thirds work things out and go on to have improved relationships. So, those who are unhappy either break-up or work things out.”

The report says: “Unhappiness is also rarely permanent. Fewer than one in 170 parents start off unhappy and ever report being unhappy in any of the later surveys.

“Of the five per cent of couples who start off unhappy with their relationship, few are still unhappy after three years. Only one mother in our sample was unhappy in three consecutive surveys.

I was surprised to read that the report concludes by that there is no evidence of couples being trapped in unhappy marriages, “69 per cent of those who start off unhappy – and stay together – end up happy with their relationship. Just 12 per cent are still unhappy. But note that none of these couples were permanently unhappy. All couples reported being happy at some stage in between. In this analysis, this small group represents just 13 mothers out of a sample of 2,272. This is equivalent to one in 174 couples.

Sir Paul Coleridge, founder of Marriage Foundation commented: “The idea that it is possible to find a perfect marital partner with whom one will be in a state of perpetual, lifelong bliss is a dangerous but popular myth. Every married couple knows that there are, over the course of any marriage, good times and bad. So a survey such as this one supports our lived experience and of course the results necessarily depend upon who you ask and when. But just as perpetually happy couples are the stuff of Disney legends so is the other extreme, perpetually unhappy couples. They are very rare. Overwhelmingly couples either get through the bad times and live more or less happily “until death do us part” or they split and eventually divorce. However, this is in the context of falling divorce rates over more than a decade. A vast cohort of trapped, miserable couples is just not born out by this new research.”

Mr Benson concluded: “Our recent studies have found that young people overwhelmingly continue to want to get married, that there is no divorce boom, quite the contrary with divorce rates are at their lowest since the 1970s and that getting married doesn’t cost an arm and leg. Now we are busting another myth, that thousands of couples are stuck in unhappy marriages. The data shows that unhappy married couples are extremely rare and that the tiny number who are, generally work things out. Yet again this is a good news story for marriage, and another wake-up call to the Government about why they should be doing much more to support these couples who aspire to marry.”